*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=15. The characters mentioned are the Creepypasta characters Lazari Swann and Sam Williams. Enjoy!*
Sam had slipped away somewhere else before Lazari could catch him. She sighed, slumping against the wall. The morning would come and she would have to hide again.
If only he didn’t run, then she would have taken him to the other side. Only temporarily, until all the other demons were gone.
But he was afraid. He saw her and ran. Or maybe he was just weak. Humans were like that.
Lazari got up and made her way back into the shadows.
She’d get him later.
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140,462 Literary Works • 673,233 Reviews
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Hi creeperfeverdreams, thank you for sharing your eggselent work - I'm here with an egg-inspired review for you today!
The Shell: A Round Interpretation - Overall Thoughts
In just a very small number of sentences, you've managed to establish the compelling tension between Lazari and Sam. It's a tragic story. Lazari thinks she is trying to protect Sam from the other demons, yet because she isn't human, her perspective on this is flawed.
The Yolk: The Best Bits
The best part is how Lazari has very layered character motivations. She isn't just a mindless, terrifying monster hunting a human.
Here, her desire to take him shows she just wants to help him. But of course, I'm not sure Sam sees it like that yet!
The ending is chilling; you're very good at that!
The Egg Whites: Time to Stir - Suggestions
You should flesh out the scene a little bit more, give some sensory details and describe the setting. What does it look like from Lazari's point of view? How does she see Sam, physically? What do the surroundings look like? These are all important when making a scene feel immersive!
Brought to you by Team Egg - in honour of TheEgg
Okay, this is the next in line after Sam found Sally last chapter, right?
I wish you would have added more details on how Sam escaped Lazari, at least what she believed happened. Because it sounds like maybe Sally’s interference is what enabled him to get away?
I find the idea that Lazari needs to hide from the morning onward pretty cool! (also ofc that is standard behaviour for a lot of monsters, but I still find it cool. I am the gal who was super intrigued everytime the Gargoyles turned to stone come morning light xp)
Also…. It sounds like maybe Lazari is a bit of an unreliable narrator? Appearing to think that only evil things are out and about when she is also active?
Still no explanation on what she needs him for tho…
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