*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1365. Jason is a Creepypasta character (his full name is Jason the Toymaker, you can look him up if you want) and Branwen is my OC. This is my interpretation of a part of his origin story. Anyway, enjoy!*
Jason stared at the wooden stick-tool in his hand. Hours upon hours of rubbing his eyes, of trial and error, and he finally made it: The soul sucker.
So many books, so many stories on the subject, but from what he read, Jason did everything right!
There was only one way to find out: He had to test it on Branwen.
The sun was glittering on the window, casting shine on the dolls’ eyes, bringing an ethereal glow to the toy shop.
Jason sighed, taking in the beauty. It was like a painting in the hallway of his old house, a painting his parents would have bought.
The calm before the storm.
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
@Ravena you might want to see this!
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Hello again!
"Wooden stick-tool" sounds a little awkward and makes the object feel quite simple, which clashes with the name that is quite dramatic. If Jason has spent hours researching and constructing it, I think a more physical description would make the achievement feel more convincing. Does it have symbols carved into it, pieces tied together or some sign that it has been made according to the books?
I’d also use a lowercase letter after the colon, since "the soul sucker" isn’t a complete sentence or necessarily a proper name. Unless, perhaps it should be a proper noun.
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I enjoyed this. It gave me a clear sense that Jason is about to do something dangerous without fully understanding the consequences. I particularly like that he assumes he has done everything correctly simply because he followed what he read. It makes him seem confident but inexperienced, which is a good combination when he’s planning to test something called a soul sucker on Branwen.
The soul sucker, also, sounds very interesting. Would that hurt? Yikes!
I think the setting could be connected to the danger a little more strongly, as well. The sunlight and glowing dolls create a calm atmosphere, at least in an eerie way, but the reference to the painting in his old house feels vague because we don’t know what the painting looked like or why he is thinking about his parents now. Perhaps you could expand that.
Cheers, cheers!
Lip
I am confusion. I’m trying to find Chapter 11 Part 2 but there is only Chapter 12 Part 1 so…what is going on and now I ended up here so lets read this instead…
Oh I remember: isn’t this where he stuffed Branwen into one of his …plushies? And then got annoyed because her spirit lingered and was an inconvenience? Maybe you could specify this when he makes the decision to test his soul sucker on Bronwen. He could reflect on what got him into this situation in the first place and why he built the thing; that could tie the narrative together :3
PS: Is it Branwen or Bronwen? You'r A/N says one thing the story another thing!
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I think my A/N autocorrected her name wrong.
Thx for reading!