Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This fanfic song/poem is under my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1065. This is the backstory of a Creepypasta character called “Laughing Jack” who was created by Snuffbomb, Isaac is a character in LJ’s story. Enjoy and Happy New Fear!*
Once there lived a Jack-in-the-box clown
Who wore stripes with the colors of the rainbow
And laughed and laughed and laughed
He lived to put a smile on a poor little boy’s face
For he and the boy were destined to be friends
The two of them played all throughout the days
Not a worry or woe between them
Till a game of pirates outside went far too out of turn
And a stray cat died in the clown’s grip
The little boy got blamed for the crime
The boy was sent far, far away
To a place where he’d learn to obey
The clown was sent back to his wooden box
Waiting and waiting for the boy to return
When the boy did, he’d be free to play again
Days had passed, silence was in the air
Months went on, the clown kept singing his song
Thirteen years went by, the clown felt like he’d die
Only after those thirteen years did the boy return
But his parents were dead, the boy had grown up
No longer did his eyes shine
The boy, now a man, remembered the clown not
So that poor clown, all color lost, all hope drained away
Watched with bitterness as the man went about his day
The man started off drinking the sweet taste of alcohol
He cursed and he sneered
A grotesque abomination
A new adaptation
Of the man his father was
The drinks gave way to lust
He brought home a woman
To his room they went
Yet they were not alone
Deep in the box, the clown watched
And he asked:
“Isn’t he supposed to be MY friend?”
He knew the man wouldn’t notice him
Yet he hoped the man would stay loyal
Watching that man with the woman
Boy, did it make his blood boil
But the woman wouldn’t give the man what he wanted
So the man’s curled into a snarl
She tried to run, she couldn’t make it far
The man had caught her and slashed her apart
From that day on, the man filled his time with murder
The clown watched it all, something inside of him began to spark
A dormant thing, a nearly forgotten thing
One dark night, the box fell off its shelf
The man walked up to it, thinking:
“What harm could it be?
It must have been an old present left for me.
All of it’s for the memories.”
He turned up the crank, it didn’t budge
He threw it aside, it’s an old dud
But deep inside, that box still had a surprise
For out the clown came, calling the man’s name!
The man turned around, but it was all too late
That gruesome, black and white striped clown
Came to give that man his coming fate
The clown pulled him close and ripped him apart!
He laughed as he pulled out his guts!
Just like old times!
The man screamed and cursed!
So unlike the boy he used to know!
But that was alright!
He’d give the man quite a show!
When the man’s breaths stopped and the clown had blotches of red
He vowed to come after children, to bring them dread
For if there was one thing the clown learned
It was that children grew to be heartless
And only an awful, unfeeling, thorny heart
Could make through it all
That clown was bound to be whatever the boy became
Now the boy’s dead
So there’s no one to make the clown good
Isaac Grossman was a murderer
That’s all he’d ever be
Laughing Jack’s a killer too
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Gonna see if I can grant a few other things a second review…

I like that the poem tells a story. I don’t know enough abt poetry to truly comment on the rhyming scheme and all but this feels serviceable ^^
And woah, they do be killing a poor innocent cat. But… idk if sending a kid away for that is an acceptable punishment.
I like that creepypastas also seem to run on fae logic, hung up on smthing that happened 13 yrs ago bc for them the time does not matter at all.
…well if the pirate games involved spilling the guts of the cats I understand why they sent the boy away to get help…
This is a good insight into LJ’s origin!
Hiiiii!
So, reading through this, I have a few things to say that might help.
I know previously, I might have reviewed a song by you, but I'm here again to help.
You told a story, and while it was a good story, you got to the point. Which is nice when it comes to songs. Being able to read the lyrics and following along is helpful, however, there are somethings you can do.
Think of a song like a poem. Most songs start off as poems with no music, or as music with no poem. So, when you write lyrics out, try and format it like that. A poem.
If you do it like that, it helps to make things rhyme a little better, and it stitches everything up nicely. It helps to keep the reader with it too, and to feel the beat of your song.
The other thing is how you have it formatted. While it could just be the YWS format, I would suggest trying to label your verses, chorus's, pre-chorus's, and bridge. This helps to push the story along and helps your reader/reviewer to understand where you're intending things to lay.
As a musician, I find that doing that also helps me with the writing process of a song. Most songs are only so long at certain parts, which can help you limit your length and tell the story in a better way.
That's all I have to offer as of right now! This is a wonderful piece! Good job!
Your breadthren,
~ Taost <3
Thx :>