*This fanfic is under my folder “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=225. This is part of my interpretation of Jeff the Killer’s origin story. (He’s a Creepypasta character). Anyway, enjoy!*
Jeff scrubbed at his face for one last time before turning the water off. He was back home from Randy’s and had just finished taking the long cold shower he wanted to take.
His hand reached for the black towel like the Grim Reaper reaching for their cloak and then, he wrapped it around his waist.
It was strange to see his face without the mascara, eyeliner and eyeshadow. He looked like a ghost without eyes, hovering in the bathroom.
He briskly walked to his room across the hall. He didn’t want to look at himself anymore.
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Jeff had changed into gray sweatpants and a faded black tee shirt. He could hear Mom making dinner downstairs and wished that he couldn’t. He didn’t feel like eating. He didn’t want to hear anything else.
On his bed was his flip phone, left open…and a text message. Huh? And it was from-Randy?!
Randy
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the others. But they’ll always be there.
Jeff froze. If he was really sorry, then he would have told Jeff earlier. Right? It felt like he was lying to him before-but he wasn’t. He wasn’t a liar.
He closed his phone. He did not want to talk.
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Full disclaimer: I don't really know anything about Creepypasta and I haven't read your other fanfics that are linked to this one, so please forgive any ignorance/lack of knowledge I have in these areas.
I can deduce based on your little note at the top that Jeff turns into some sort of murderer, so I'll keep that in mind. I can appreciate that you're committed to developing this fanfic origin story, and that's a pretty great way to flesh out a character that I assume becomes some sort of evil person? I've gathered from this short piece that you are trying to humanize or develop some moral ambiguity around Jeff, as evidenced by how you're describing Jeff participating in very mundane activities, such as taking a shower.
This is really short - it does not really strike me as a standalone chapter. I would describe this is a vignette. In quickly looking at your other fanfics, I could probably extend that observation as well. However, with a vignette, it's efficacy and success relies on largely focusing on the sensory experience. In other words, establishing a nearly tangible atmosphere through describing the scene. Here, as I can assume Jeff is probably connected to some nefarious people and things, I would encourage you to really focus on crafting that creepy, nefarious, suspenseful atmosphere by being intentional about the words you use to describe what's going on. There are already a few moments where you achieve this, for example:
This vivid image of a ghost without eyes, which is such a unique thing to imagine - how would a ghost without eyes even look? o.O but that's the beauty of this image as you leave it up to reader to imagine something so strange and unusual and bewildering - is contributing to building this creepy, unsettling atmosphere. I think there are other moments that had potential to contribute to this atmosphere-building - perhaps when Jeff is scrubbing at his face? What was the colour of the water? How did it look draining in the sink? I think that would be another great opportunity to flesh out.
I feel like someone peering into a window, a short snapshot of moment. Which is perfectly fine! I just kind of want more, if that makes sense? The use of the vignette is such a great way to build the origin story of a character, so I think you've been really smart to employ this form. I would just like to encourage a little more description around Jeff which will help substantiate the story as a whole a little more. Imagine peering into this moment, like I have - what do you see? How do you feel when you see it? And then write it
Of course, now I am totally intrigued and may have to go read your other fanfics. Thank you very much for the read and I hope I could be marginally helpful, despite my lack of background knowledge. I think you've done an excellent job so far and I am so thrilled to see commitment to this storyline.
Keep writing,
Lavvie
Thank you for your review/advice! I am glad you enjoyed this.