*This fanfic is under my folder “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=210. This is my AU of the Creepypasta characters, Laughing Jack and Jason the Toymaker. Yes, I ship them in this fic. The little girl, Aeliana, is my OC. Anyway, enjoy!*
Jason painted the face of the doll one last time and then, he stepped back.
Her face was stitched together. Most of her looked human, except for her cone nose and white clown “makeup”, which was modeled after Laughing Jack. Her hair was a mix of red, black and white. She wore a dusty pink dress draped over her bent black-and-white striped legs. She sat on a wooden chair, her white eyes completely lifeless.
But it wasn’t going to be that way anymore. Laughing Jack was going to come into the circus tent with Aeliana and then, Jason could give the doll a soul.
“This is Jason the Toymaker, one of the greatest toymakers who ever lived in Rykersfield.”
Jason turned around and smiled at Laughing Jack, who was accompanied by a little blond girl. It was a small smile, but enough for him to catch.
“Come, sit next to the doll-girl.” Jason said, gesturing to the empty wooden chair.
The blond girl did as she was told, her blue eyes staring up at him in amazement.
“If you’re the greatest toymaker in town then why haven’t I heard of you?” The girl asked.
He went over to the work table, grabbing a hammer and shards of porcelain.
“It’s a well-kept secret.” Jason replied.
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142,221 Literary Works • 677,036 Reviews
These fanfics connect to this!:
Jason talks to LJ about the possibility of…A CHILD?!
Laughing Jack meets Aeliana!
Jason hears about the child!
Laughing Jack and Aeliana talk about friendship
Laughing Jack and Aeliana’s trip to the carnival!
Laughing Jack gives Aeliana a show!
That’s IT?!
When it’s all done
Aeliana’s dreams
And so, it begins (part one: LJ’s POV)
Hi Creeper! I've been enjoying this fanfiction, so lets get straight to it!
Very nice opening! It paints (no pun intended) a nice, simple picture to begin with. Though maybe 'doll's face' instead of 'face of the doll' is a little simpler?
Ooh a very nice description, I like this. It's creepy! Maybe you could describe what makes her look human, as a doll? The exact features? It would help visualise this horrifying detail.
Nice idea, but I agree with Tikaya that this is a big moment and it deserves some more room to breathe. Maybe this could be shown in a scene, he holds her up and tells her, or we see him packing her to get ready to take her there? It's just a very pivotal moment!
Should be a comma there, since it's before a dialogue tag (said)
Is he saying, come sit next to the doll, girl *(as in, telling the girl to sit next to the doll) or is he saying, come and sit next to the doll-girl (as in, refering to the doll as a girl) as if it's the first, you need a comma there also!
Should be a lowercase t!
Oh my god that's a horrifying image! That poor girl!
Should be a comma there!
A nice, creepy little section. I love the way you handle LJ & Jason in this fanfic!
Thank you, I’m glad you like it! It’s the second one about the doll, so I’ll go and change that.
Hia creeper, came back to read more abt Aeliana and Raisa :3
Also very good!!I like how you describe the doll. Well done :3
And I love how you connect these two paragraphs:
That said, I feel like you could give this sentence here a bit more room to breathe: Just, more elaboration on this bc I feel it does too many things. Maybe you could try and work it into the timeline better or give Jason’s thoughts on why they chose Aeliana etc or why he thinks THIS right now? Maybe a mark on if LJ is punctual usually or not. Just… do something more than this sentence. It feels so… overloaded and stripped of context.
Dialogue formatting ☹
Hmmm I feel like with how strong you started, the ending of this scene could use some more work. Some better hook for the next story. It just feels as if it peters out :3
Thx for reading/advice!