*This fanfic is under my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=120. This is my AU of the Creepypasta character, Jeff the Killer. He can be googled. Ash is my OC. Enjoy!*
Jeff slowly walked to the side door. Randy said to go through that door over the phone, but he still wasn’t sure.
That was all he had to do? Open it? The dried grass crunched under his feet as he made his way towards the white door. It was just going to be movies. Horror movies, his favorite.
Once in front of the door, he turned the knob. It didn’t open, so he knocked. The sky was a dusky, cloudy white. The bare trees twisted their branches towards the sky and the breeze was crisp and cool. It was just like a perfect Halloween night, getting candy and thinking of nothing else in the world but the monsters who loved him. Why couldn’t it be Halloween yet?
“You made it! Follow me, I have the movies downstairs!”
Jeff blinked, snapped out of his thoughts and facing Randy in front of him. He put both hands in his jeans pockets and did just as he asked, following him down the yellow carpeted stairs into the basement.
If he wanted friends then he had to be quiet.
…………………………………………………………………...........................................................................
They both stopped at the bottom of the stairs, the yellow wallpaper glowing with the dim lamp on the white popcorn ceiling. There was a gray TV on top of a brown nightstand playing The Ring and a plaid couch facing it, where Keith and Troy sat. Ash was there too, but she was sitting on the floor.
Wait…Keith, Ash, and Troy?
“I thought you said that it was just going to be us.”
“I didn’t.”
“But-“
“They’re cool, Jeff. Go sit next to Ash.”
He remembered distinctly that Randy said that it would just be the two of them, but Randy was already making his way towards the couch, joining Keith and Troy and Jeff didn’t feel like running up the stairs.
Part of him wanted to but wasn’t it so nice of Randy to invite him over?
Jeff sat with Ash, cross-legged on the carpet, watching as Samara was crawling out of the TV screen to chase Noah. He saw the movie before, millions of times, so nothing really scared him about it.
He could feel Ash gripping tightly onto his arm, her pointed fingernails digging deep into his skin. He couldn’t brush her off, so he tried pushing her, but her fingers stayed firmly on.
“Could you move?”
She didn’t respond, so he looked at her. Her blue eyes were fixed on the TV. If she hated horror movies that much, then why was she there?
“I hate her.”
“Who? Samara? It’s not her fault that she’s like this.”
“She scares me.”
He felt a pang of irritation as she said that. People always acted scared of the ghosts and the monsters because of how they looked, what they did. It didn’t matter if the ghost or monster was a child, they didn’t like it because it was cReEpy.
“Okay and? She’s just dead.”
“Hold me?”
Ash leaned her head against his shoulder as Samara still continued on her kills. She seemed to be moving closer to him, wanting to crush him underneath her weight. The boys weren’t even watching the movie, chattering amongst themselves.
He came to see a movie and he couldn’t even hear it well. Ash’s free arm reached out to go around his waist, her fingers closing in-
“What the hell?! I-I was scared!”
Jeff had pushed her onto the ground, she looked up at him, aghast. He was trying so hard to be nice, but she wasn’t letting go. He had to deal with it himself.
The boys had stopped talking. The movie was paused. He looked up at them, already starting to feel like he was floating away from his own body as he waited for a reaction.
Keith immediately got up from the couch and helped his sister up, profusely asking her if she was okay as they walked up the stairs. There were tears staining her eyes, which was strange, because it wasn’t like she was bleeding. It was a bit of overkill in Jeff’s humble opinion.
Troy and Randy were both staring at him in shock. Randy’s fingers were wrapped around the remote, but none of them pressed the play button. Jeff almost thought of snatching it himself but thought better of it.
Troy was the first to talk, “You could have just asked her to move.”
“I did! She didn’t listen. She was being annoying so I had to push her! She wouldn’t let go of me!” Jeff cried out.
His voice cracked a little as he said that, which made him sound weak and small, oddly enough. He was neither of those things, but his rapidly growing body, covered in bone-white skin and blister-red pimples, said otherwise. It didn’t help that they were both just looking at him like that.
“You didn’t have to push her. You really could have just asked.” Randy shrugged.
What-Did they not see how she was acting? How fake her tears were? They couldn’t just-he had every right to push her!
And Randy was still gripping the remote. Was he just not going to turn it on?
Jeff didn’t waste his time thinking about it. He leapt off the floor and jumped on Randy, wrestling with him for the remote.
“Get off me!”
“Turn it back on!”
“No!”
No? Then he had to get it himself! Every time he kept trying to grab it, Randy would somehow push away before he could. Jeff winced at every punch and kick he got, but he wouldn’t stop. That damn movie was going to get turned on no matter what and all three of them would watch it.
He was suddenly slipping farther from Randy, being pulled away by none other than Troy. His legs were dragging on the carpet and Troy’s hands were clutching him like he was afraid Jeff would tackle Randy again, but he pushed off Troy’s hands because he was not a child.
Everybody was pulling him and pushing him but nobody wanted to actually watch the horror movie and be immersed in the scares the way he was. Did they not care? But Randy said that he liked scary things!
“Why won’t you turn it on?” Jeff panted. His pale skin was turning red with anger and annoyance, his clothes felt too hot on him. He needed a cold shower, the kind cold enough for a ghost to crawl into.
Randy looked up at him, wiping sweat off his forehead.
“Because it’s not that important. You really need to chill out. If you can’t do that then leave.”
Jeff froze. He didn’t expect Randy to snap at him like that.
But he didn’t need to hear anymore. He walked up to the stairs and did just that.
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ESPECIALLY since it ended up with him having to knock anyway @.@ Ahhh why is this so clunky XDDHmm I don’t rly like how this begins. It feels very repetitive. Like you have two mentions of door in the first paragraph alone, and the way you express him being unsure is just… not very immersive. Very literal. I wish you would have him look around or something, doublechecking the phone etc instead of just hitting us with … well what you wrote XD
Btw this problem persists in the next paragraph with a THIRD mention of the word “door” in quick succession. And, even though I know the context from the previous snippets… I feel like you might want to elaborate on why he is so hesitant here? Do we really need this sequence f.e.:
I kinda feel like this should come sooner? Maybe in between all the door mentions to break them up a little? You could even add a reference to why he’s here in the first place despite all the spookiness =D
Oh man, this really is an emotional gut punch at the end of a rather lackluster beginning: very well done here!
I find it very interesting that he’s so desperate for friendship yet Ash grabbing his arm for support is barely in a throwaway sentence. Sounds like he really has no idea that this could be his entry into this friendship he seeks…
Lol he do be sounding like he really does not understand what is happening. Poor guy. But yea, I can totally understand that. I also rather watch TV than do anything else when we SPECIFICALLY wanted to watch TV together. It irritates me to no end when the guests etc do not focus on the dang TV *grumble* You can talk etc afterwards. That said, Ash at least is quiet in her efforts to seek comfort so maybe his ire shouldn’t go toward her…
Ah since the action is already over, you had to go past progressive or whatever it is called here:
Oh no, oh poor Jeff ☹ At least they were already on the ground so she cant have been hurt. Just surprised and maybe feeling rejected.
Welll Jeff really needs to work on his social cues. Calling the sister “annoying” when everyone is already not sure how to deal with him… Not your best move, kiddo.
I do agree that he has ever right to push her. Ah what an awful situation ☹
It sounds to me like… maybe Randy really should have invited him ALONE. So Jeff could practice dealing with normal ppl. Going for the remote when you are a guest? That’s unacceptable.
Woah! Super duper reasonable. Randy sounds like a gracious host at least. Let’s see how Jeff does not realise that he’s in the wrong here XD You can’t just push someone to the floor who then starts crying (real or not) and expect everyone to move on. You need to talk this out, maybe take a break and resume later. AIaiaia, no social skills this one has ☹ Yeiks. That was uncomfortable to read, exactly like intended, so good job ^^
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thx for reading/advice!
One of the things I enjoyed most about this excerpt is how naturally it builds tension without relying on anything supernatural. Even though 'The Ring; is playing in the background, the real source of unease is Jeff himself. We spend the entire scene inside his perspective, so we understand why he reacts the way he does, even when it's clear that everyone else sees the situation very differently. That makes him an interesting and, at times, unsettling character to follow.
The opening creates a strong atmosphere. The descriptions of the cloudy sky, bare trees, and cool autumn air immediately put me in the mood for a horror story. Jeff's excitement about watching scary movies also gives readers a glimpse into his personality before the conflict begins. It feels like an ordinary afternoon that slowly turns into something uncomfortable.
One of the strongest aspects of the writing is Jeff's characterization. He isn't written as a stereotypical villain or an obviously dangerous person. Instead, he genuinely believes that his reactions make sense. His sympathy for Samara, his frustration when Ash won't let go of him, and his confusion when everyone turns against him all feel authentic from his point of view. As a reader, I didn't necessarily agree with his actions, but I could understand how he justified them in his own mind. That balance makes him a compelling protagonist.
The interactions between the characters also feel believable. Ash clinging to Jeff, Randy trying to calm the situation, and Troy stepping in to stop the fight all come across as realistic responses. The dialogue is simple but effective, helping the tension grow naturally without feeling overly dramatic.
That said, there are a few places where the scene could be even stronger. During the confrontation over the remote, the pacing becomes a little rushed. Slowing the moment down with more sensory details—the sounds of the struggle, the movement around the room, or Jeff's physical reactions—would make the conflict feel even more intense. I also would have liked to learn just a little more about Ash beyond her fear of horror movies, as it would make her emotional reaction more impactful.
Another small suggestion would be to describe the basement in greater detail before the conflict begins. The opening outdoors is vivid and memorable, but once everyone is downstairs, the setting fades into the background. A few additional details about the room could help immerse readers even further.
Overall, this is an engaging excerpt that captures psychological tension very well. Rather than depending on jump scares or graphic horror, it focuses on a character whose perception of social situations is very different from everyone else's. That contrast creates a lingering sense of discomfort that stays with the reader after the scene ends. With a little more attention to pacing during the climax and some added depth for the supporting characters, this passage could become even more emotionally power. I generally like it and this is actually my longest review. You should actually continue
I’m glad that you liked it and thx for the advice!
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