Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This is a fanfic song/poem about the demon clown Creepypasta character, âLaughing Jackâ, committing the murder of a child and the childâs POV on that. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum:Â https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1260. Enjoy!*
Long, spindly striped arm
Reaching from a hidey-hole in my wall
Sweet raspberry tart in ebony claw
An escape from my life of bore
Heâs a funny fellow
Sharp-toothed to give better smiles
Shrill laughter to excite the soul
Whatâs he up to?
I need only take his claw
Never see those people again
Games and rides galore
Oh, thereâs so much in store!
His candy makes me sick
I wish it werenât the kind that sticks
Whatâs all these colors?
Theyâre not pretty at all
Theyâre too bright
My guts are going to burst
Red, so much red
Iâm drowning in the red
Heâs licking the red
He says it tastes like candy
I should try some
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
âŠI should have known this was gonna be lyrics/a poem. But I am here now so letâs do this!
*reads* âŠand the childâs POV. Hooo boy, weâre gonna be in for it this time around, huh?
The entire first stanza has pretty good characterisation of the narrator and also the space they exist it. Especially with this: âReaching from a hidey-hole in my wallâ I like that!
I also like the slow progession from trust in the funny entity to slowly realizing the candy is not what itâs out to be (also the line abt gut burstingâbc it could be from overeating or from those sharp sharp claws) to âhey maybe I could try thisâ. Which could mean that this is how either another lost soul that scares, haunts or kills is created or the birth of another creepypasta. Very interesting!
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I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this!
Out of curiosity, what is your perception of Janice? You%u2019ve read a few of the fanfics about her so I%u2019m intrigued to hear more!
*subliminal messages are fun* You have the sudden urge to read Digimon fic *subliminal ending*
Is it weird that I kinda have hope for Janice to become a creepypasta that learns basic empathy? I know it's probably hopeless, especially now that she murdered Corbin... But still.
I actually think she fits really really well into the canon. Like, I don't know the fandom of LJ and Jeff (who's name i forgot, forgive me, i had to check your other stories to remember it ahhhhh but it perfectly encapsulates my point xd), only read abt them in your stories... But the way you write Janice, it just clicks with those two.
Do you have any specific questions?
Hmm%u2026not really. Just ur overall perception of the character. It%u2019s not weird to hope that because she is still young with a lot of chance to change, but it all depends on how she goes about it, considering how she is not very social with humans and mostly has her parents as role models.
I think there's a lot of directions she can go since she's still going to school. And she's very loved by her fathers too! And she has one "normal" friend (and if she ever argues with HER, maybe she will realise that getting the urge to murder is wrong... Or maybe it will affirm her in the belief that no humans, no matter how well she gets along with them, is trustworthy).
So there are ways for her to change! But honestly, even if she doesn't, you've set up the reasons for why pretty well!
Thank you!
I tried to do in-line critique mode, putting my feedback in braces:
Long, spindly striped arm
Reaching from a hidey-hole in my wall
Sweet raspberry tart in ebony claw
An escape from my life of bore {Right away, you already know it ain't gonna be as sweet as tart when that ebony claw gets onto you. I think this first stanza does a great job of setting the tone, which is impressive because it's so few words.}
Heâs a funny fellow {Thisis a great contrast to the last line of the previous stanza because the kid is bored, and I guess this is a sort of lesson that parents should be attentive to their kids or else they get bored and go with clawed monsters holding candy! And of course the clawed monster can be a metaphor for evil doers}
Sharp-toothed to give better smiles
Shrill laughter to excite the soul
Whatâs he up to? {Oh no it's an innocent speaker voice of the poem. The innocent! Don't go with the sharp-toothed predator with the raspberry tart!}
I need only take his claw
Never see those people again {THOSE people makes the reader think immediately of his immediate family. C'mon lets get read. I used to wish my mama death when I was little, lol, only like twice, alright?}
Games and rides galore
Oh, thereâs so much in store! {I wonder if it's too implausible for our boy to assume there's gonna be games and rides just from a claw holding a raspberry tart in a hole in a wall}
His candy makes me sick {This is the turn}
I wish it werenât the kind that sticks {Alright so idk if you rhymed the last four lines on purpose, i mean in an AABB format, not all the same lines, but your poem isnt the type that rhymes, and i noticed that it happened during the turn. If you did that on purpose to emphasize the insanity, you did a great freaking job. The sing-song-y-ness really invokes the concept of innocent, feelings wise.
Whatâs all these colors?
Theyâre not pretty at all
Theyâre too bright
My guts are going to burst
Red, so much red
Iâm drowning in the red
Heâs licking the red {THe kid's getting cannibalized and he doesn't even understand it}
He says it tastes like candy
I should try some {This is explosive. A one-line stanza ending. It speaks all of the volumes. It's the innoncent's death, with a side of, um, loss of self, as he begins to identify with his murderer's logic, or rather insane illogic. The violation is completely thorough, and it gives the vibe that it aint right, a lesson on what not to do or be. The way the mind can cope with impossible evil does trip me out.}
I don't really have any GROWS to tell you of. I suppose you can consider extending the turn into having its own stanza, but that's not necessary, you know what im saying? i guess it's kind of a compliment because I'm saying that the poem ended too soon and i think there were more things you could have done to further feed reader imagination.
good job overall! really splendid, really.
I tried to do in-line critique mode, putting my feedback in braces:
Long, spindly striped arm
Reaching from a hidey-hole in my wall
Sweet raspberry tart in ebony claw
An escape from my life of bore {Right away, you already know it ain't gonna be as sweet as tart when that ebony claw gets onto you. I think this first stanza does a great job of setting the tone, which is impressive because it's so few words.}
Heâs a funny fellow {Thisis a great contrast to the last line of the previous stanza because the kid is bored, and I guess this is a sort of lesson that parents should be attentive to their kids or else they get bored and go with clawed monsters holding candy! And of course the clawed monster can be a metaphor for evil doers}
Sharp-toothed to give better smiles
Shrill laughter to excite the soul
Whatâs he up to? {Oh no it's an innocent speaker voice of the poem. The innocent! Don't go with the sharp-toothed predator with the raspberry tart!}
I need only take his claw
Never see those people again {THOSE people makes the reader think immediately of his immediate family. C'mon lets get read. I used to wish my mama death when I was little, lol, only like twice, alright?}
Games and rides galore
Oh, thereâs so much in store! {I wonder if it's too implausible for our boy to assume there's gonna be games and rides just from a claw holding a raspberry tart in a hole in a wall}
His candy makes me sick {This is the turn}
I wish it werenât the kind that sticks {Alright so idk if you rhymed the last four lines on purpose, i mean in an AABB format, not all the same lines, but your poem isnt the type that rhymes, and i noticed that it happened during the turn. If you did that on purpose to emphasize the insanity, you did a great freaking job. The sing-song-y-ness really invokes the concept of innocent, feelings wise.
Whatâs all these colors?
Theyâre not pretty at all
Theyâre too bright
My guts are going to burst
Red, so much red
Iâm drowning in the red
Heâs licking the red {THe kid's getting cannibalized and he doesn't even understand it}
He says it tastes like candy
I should try some {This is explosive. A one-line stanza ending. It speaks all of the volumes. It's the innoncent's death, with a side of, um, loss of self, as he begins to identify with his murderer's logic, or rather insane illogic. The violation is completely thorough, and it gives the vibe that it aint right, a lesson on what not to do or be. The way the mind can cope with impossible evil does trip me out.}
I don't really have any GROWS to tell you of. I suppose you can consider extending the turn into having its own stanza, but that's not necessary, you know what im saying? i guess it's kind of a compliment because I'm saying that the poem ended too soon and i think there were more things you could have done to further feed reader imagination.
good job overall! really splendid, really.
thx for reading and reviewing!