*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1395. This is a ship between the Creepypasta characters Ben Drowned and Lost Silver. The human name I have chosen for Lost Silver is Kyle. They are fifteen years old and this takes place in 2005. Anyway, enjoy!*
It had been a few days since that little fight Ben and Kyle had regarding the flyer. They still hung out with each other, but everything felt different. And Ben spent more time playing video games in Red’s garage than he spent playing them with Kyle in his basement.
They were both in the lunchroom together, sitting next to each other like always. But they were just eating their lunch and not saying a word.
Ben took a bite out of his sandwich and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, asking:
“What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?” Kyle’s tone sounded a little defensive.
“Ever since I started hanging out with Red and his friends, you don’t seem to like me anymore. Do you want to be with me more? You can just come over, it’ll be fun and-“
“And hang out with adults I don’t know? Ben, I’ll always like you”-the word like carried more weight than either of them would admit in school- “But I just don’t think you should be hanging out with them anymore. What if-“
“What if what? They’re just people, they’re not going-“
“Yes! They’re people! And people can be terrible! I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be going there. I don’t want to be apart of it.”
Kyle’s eyes were brimming with tears, but he looked like he was trying his best to keep it in. Ben reached over to Kyle’s left hand, which rested at his side and squeezed it reassuringly.
“You’re seriously overthinking it. It’s fine. They’re really cool people. Please don’t worry about it.”
He hoped that they were enough to comfort him. Kyle was not much of a talker, so Ben never knew his deepest thoughts most of the time, but he hoped that his words were good enough.
Ben didn’t want them to fight anymore…but they weren’t fighting! Right? Right.
Right.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,749 Reviews
@Greyhound26 @bxmbii @Ravena you might want to check this out!
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Hey creeper! I think I've read one of your stories with Ben and Kyle, so I'm here to review again!
This is a bit of a shorter story, more like a flash fiction so I don't fault it for any shortcomings that a longer piece of fiction would have. In general, something I could use in your writing is a little more build up of tension. Right now, your characters are saying and doing exactly what they are feeling. What we see as tension in well-crafted novels and stories is the fact that people (and by extension, characters) don't always say what they feel exactly. I would have loved to see Ben sus out what Kyle thinks without blatantly asking. Maybe he's trying to work around a conflict and is instead Kyle what's wrong with him when he knows exactly what the problem is. It takes a lot of forethought and planning to have your characters talk without making it flat. Because remember, you said they are fifteen, no teenager is going to be completely articulate with how they feel.
On a positing note, I appreciate how much you write. I can see your creative muscles being exercised a lot. You have a lot of passion in your writing and even small pieces of fiction that aren't hugely fleshed out on lore are steadily improving :)
But that's all I have. A short review for a short story. I hope I can review another one of your works soon. Okay byeeeeee
And the next one on the list~
Oh I know which flyer they are talking about! Still it feels like you could add a reminder abt what this means for the story 😊
Heheheh that’s a cool way to phrase this!
Hmm I feel like Kyle’s heart is in the right place but his arguments are rather weak. Maybe involving another trusted adult would work… but that means that these kids would need to find an adult they trust ☹
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