*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=30. The year is 2005 in this fic. The characters are Lost Silver and Ben Drowned when they are 15 years old. I gave Lost Silver the human name of Kyle. Yes, I’m also shipping the characters together. Anyway, enjoy!*
Kyle didn’t say anything as he bit into his sandwich. He didn’t want to ruin the peaceful silence he and Ben had. Things felt heavier between them ever since that fight they had about the flyer. Most moments they had were riddled with tension, but Kyle did not want to make it worse by saying anything about it.
At least they were still together. They weren’t apart.
“What’s going on?” Ben asked suddenly.
Kyle nearly spit out his sandwich. Why was he asking that? What did he want to hear?
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since I started hanging out with Red and his friends, you don’t seem to like me anymore. Do you want to be with me more? You can just come over, it’ll be fun and-“
“And hang out with adults I don’t know? Ben, I’ll always like you. But I just don’t think you should be hanging out with them anymore. What if-“
“What if what? They’re just people, they’re not going-“
“Yes! They’re people! And people can be terrible! I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be going there. I don’t want to be apart of it.”
Kyle found that he couldn’t really eat, so he put both hands on his knees, hoping that his panic would seep away. It didn’t help that Ben was smiling at him like he felt sorry for him.
“You’re seriously overthinking it. It’s fine. They’re really cool people. Please don’t worry about it.” Ben said, squeezing his hand.
Perhaps it would be better if Kyle went with him. Maybe if they went together then nothing bad would happen. Or nothing bad was going to happen to begin with and Kyle really was overthinking it.
He returned a smile to Ben, wishing that he would feel as fine about it as Ben did.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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135,889 Literary Works • 671,778 Reviews
@Greyhound26 @bxmbii @Ravena you might want to read this!
Other fanfics that connect to this:
Ben gets a…a Valentine’s Day gift?!
It’s not so lonely after all
Ben meets someone <333
Kyle is thinking…thinking about what?
Back to school…Kyle?
A familiar face
Fidget spinners and conversation winners
It’s always better together
It’s been a long day (Kyle’s POV)
It’s been a long day (Ben’s POV)
A day at the waterpark
You should come on over, it’s fun! [Ben’s POV]
The scene focuses on the growing emotional distance between Kyle and Ben rather than relying on a dramatic argument. The tension is believable, and I liked how Kyle's anxiety comes through in small actions, like the way he put his hands on his knees after he lost his appetite. Those details say a lot without being outright.
The difference in perspective makes the conflict feel realistic rather than one-sided. Kyle is worried because he cares about Ben, while Ben genuinely believes everything is fine.
There were a few places where the wording could flow more smoothly.:
Which could be: Things felt heavier between them ever since their fight about the flyer.
Also:
"Worst" should be "worse."
Near the end, this sentence particularly stood out:
It'd be better if you added more insight into Kyle's thought process and strengthened the ending this way, as @Tikaya suggested. You should lean into that conflict a bit more before he smiles back at Ben.
Altogether, I love the way it's driven more by character instead of action. The dialogue feels natural, and their disconnection is easy to understand.
Thx for reading/advice! I do like drama but I feel like it’d be better if it didn’t immediately come into a fight because that’d be…idk, too fast.
I appreciate the review.
Ahh I recently read the other POV, I think? So let’s see if this can provide any new insights.
Idk why but the narration here, despite calling things “heavy” between them, feels a bit lighter to me than from Ben’s POV?
Maybe it was just a first impression, because otherwise the two of them seem to have eerily similar thoughts about their growing distance…
…there are even less descriptions about what these characters mean in this one. I wish there was more insights into why Kyle is saying all these things, why is he thinking them. Because the basic dialogue we already got from Ben’s POV :/
The ending was good though. More of this please =D I wanna see Kyle’s opinion evolve or rather, I want to see what he sees, the creepiness that he expects!
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Thx for reading it, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. ^v^