Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=15. Enjoy!*
Jason walked towards Mr. Glutten and pulled out Branwen. Her skin was beginning to yellow, and it was far too smooth, like slime.
He took out the tool from his pocket and hovered it over her face that spewed froth from her mouth, over her milk-white eyes.
From out of her froth-mouth was something else. Something that was like smoke, something that was lime-green…
Jason grinned.
Her soul. He caught her soul.
All he’d have to do was get rid of the body and hide the soul.
The people could wait a little longer for his toy shop to open. Jason had more important things to do.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
@Ravena you may want to read this.
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This is a very interesting piece of work. The words are very descriptive, helping the readers envision what is going on in the book well. The only thing you might want to fix is to clarify who all the characters are. Who is Mr. Glutten and what does he have to do with the story? Who is Branwen? Is she already dead? I already know quite a bit about Jason based off of what he does in this story. There are lots of questions that have been raised, but this might be a good thing to attract readers attention and keep them hooked. You did a good job!
Branwen-first child victim of Jason.
Mr. Glutten-gigantic living worm toy. Jason feeds old dolls to Mr. Glutten.
Thx for reading!
Hai :3
It's me, again!!
Hm. This is very compact and creepy!! I like how quickly it drops us into the grotesque without overexplaining what happened. The imagery is really strong here, especially the yellowing skin, the too-smooth texture, the froth, and the milk-white eyes, etc. It all feels diseased and uncanny, like the body is already becoming less human before Jason even finishes whatever awful thing he’s doing.
Jason’s reaction is what makes this land for me especially!! The grin is such a sharp little turn because the horror is not just the soul-catching but how pleased and practical he is about it. That casualness makes him feel so much worse ~~ He is not panicking, grieving, or even hesitating; he is thinking about disposal and business delays. That is SO sinister!! I also really like the toy shop detail at the end. It gives the scene this extra layer of disturbing sweetness, like something innocent is being used as a cover for something monstrous. It makes me curious about whether the toys are connected to the souls somehow, because that would be horrifying >.>
^^^ My only thought is that Mr. Glutten appears suddenly, and I wasn’t totally sure whether Branwen is with him, near him, or being presented to him?? Not sure if he's around in another fic, but I'd like more context in the now. The scene is vivid, but the staging could be a tiny bit clearer so the reader can fully picture the moment without losing any of that sense of dread.
Oooh, like what... Such a cliffhanger!!
Overall, this has such fairytale-villain energy, and I’m very curious what Jason is going to do with that soul. I wish you elaborated more on that in this piece, since it's very short ~~ I'm looking forward to reading more, though!! :P
- Payton
Mr. Glutten is a gigantic purple worm toy. When the dolls grow old and nobody takes them, he feeds the dolls to Mr. Glutten. He just hid Branwen%u2019s dead body in there but now he is going to put her soul in a doll.
Thx for reading!
Hi creeperfeverdreams! This is a very very short work, and as such, it's a little difficult to write a lengthy review for, but i'll try my best.
There's not much context as to what I'm supposed to be looking at, but I'm assuming this is about Jason the toy maker, which is something I'm not super familiar with. It really does read better as an initial draft out of a larger work, which I'm hoping this is part of since it's an interesting idea using a new canon that you should definitely work on expanding. I think this is a origin story style thing since in the canon, Jason turns his victims into dolls, which I hope maybe your next work will cover.
Your imagery is again very good, as it usually is. using italics brings out Jason's thoughts in even more emphasis, like with 'her soul', which is a break that freezes in that moment. I like that you captured the atmosphere of a horror story very well again, with the line spacing every few sentences, and ending with the next idea in the following line instead of immediately finishing the thought to keep the viewer breathless. In the creepypasta, I think, Jason kills his victims when they began to attempt to escape him, so that's something you could've emphasized a little more since I don't think anyone who hasn't looked at creepy pasta stuff before would be able to understand.
Overall, this is pretty convincing, and I would love to see the finished work when it's done. Keep writing!