Just a fangirl

Hey there, creeperfeverdreams! I always appreciate some songwriting.

It's cool that you've written the song from the point of view of a fictional character to be used in-story/as a storytelling device. I think you do a good job giving enough context within the song to understand the singer's situation, though the A/N is appreciated!

I think, overall, this song has decent rhythmic structure. Without hearing it put to music, however, I'm unsure about how some of the lines will be sung, depending on the beats per minute/speed, because syllabically, they don't always match up verse to verse. Now, that's not an uncommon occurrence in songs, but it's something to note. If you wanted to make this song excellent, I'd read back through it and sing it to a metronome to get a feel for where the emphasis would land for each word. If it feels intuitive/easy, then score! If some of it feels rushed or drawn out, consider rewording some lines to better match the flow between verses.

I’ll do whatever you want
I’ll be an obedient fangirl
Because a “fangirl” is all I feel
A “fangirl” is all that I am

This verse feels like it holds the most narrative weight for the singer's characterization, but also feels the most clunky in the flow of the song. "Fangirl" is used in almost every line, which could work for emphasis, but I think you could streamline the language to make it punchier. An example of what I mean:

I’ll be whatever you want
Your obedient fangirl
Because a “fangirl”
Is all I feel, it's all I am

I also felt like the last verse fell flat because it didn't match the others in format. Now, don't get me wrong! I understand cutting it off feels like a lack of resolution, and the singer doesn't have resolution for her plight, either. It still, however, felt unsatisfying, at least to me. Part of the reason why is that you don't just leave us with her repeated request. We know she doesn't have Kevin back yet. But then, you leave it with this cliffhanger: "and protect me from them."

Perhaps if I knew more about Laughing Jack, I might have context for who "they" are, but even so, it leaves far more questions than answers. If this song is meant to stand alone, I'd flesh out who "they" are in the song. If this is a part of a song series (like a theatrical production) or something similar, then disregard it if that information precedes this song. If that information isn't contextualized until after the song, though, I'd again consider including it sooner, because it won't feel satisfying to have that thrown in at the end if it only confuses!

Your claws penetrate my skin (7)
Your teeth break into my brain (7)
Your sweets rot my teeth (5)
But it’s love all the same (6)

I think this verse stood out to me as the strongest because of the clear, vivid imagery. I put syllable counts at the end of the lines so you can consider how it affects flow/how it might be sung to a melody!

Also, I assume with the 5-lined verses in the middle, that they're sung more like a chorus or a bridge because of the different format and very different syllabic rhythm. At the very least, I read it as a point where the music and melody are supposed to change.

Regarding the content itself: it's definitely an interesting drama. To have your best friend kidnapped by someone you worship/admire is definitely a recipe for an internal storm, and it feels like the singer hasn't begun to fully question - at least not verbally, and honestly - the cost of being Laughing Jack's fangirl. That, or this reads like a self-aware plea meant to deceive and keep up the mask to save her friend, now that she sees who Laughing Jack really is.

Thanks so much for sharing your work! It's a very fun, dramatic song, and I'd love to hear it put to music one day.