*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842. Raisa is a fan child of the Creepypasta characters, Laughing Jack and Jason the Toymaker. She is eight years old. Enjoy!*
5/18/1955
Hello,
I told my fathers about Disney World. They said no. Too sunny and too many people. They don’t like the sun or people. I kept trying to tell them about how much fun it would be but they still wouldn’t change their minds.
And that’s not all. Today, after school, I saw something really disgusting in my mind. There was all this blood everywhere and there was a lot of moving and squeezing noises. I also heard my Clown Dad’s music box. Weird, right? It still kind of bothers me right now. I ran away from it all as fast as I could and then I was back in the street. This happened when I was walking home from school.
I was going to tell my fathers but I decided not to. I usually tell them everything. I’ll tell them this soon, just not now. It doesn’t feel right now. Maybe I will tell Aeliana. She will know.
I think I will tell her right this second! It’s been nice “talking” to you.
Goodbye,
Raisa Accardi.
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@kittycursed @thehoplessromantic
Hello, hello!
"I saw something in my mind" feels unnatural, though that may be intentional if Raisa doesn’t understand what happened. You could perhaps make the confusion clearer with something like: I suddenly saw something horrible, even though it wasn’t really there. That would still sound childlike while giving your readers a better idea of whether this is a vision, memory or hallucination.
The final sentence feels out of order because we already know this happened after school, and only afterwards are we told she was walking home.
I like the confidence of "She will know"! It immediately makes me think that Aeliana is important and that Raisa has experienced strange things before, or at least believes Aeliana understands things her fathers don’t.
***
This is short, but to me, it introduces quite a few interesting things very efficiently. Raisa’s voice feels young and straightforward, especially when she moves from being annoyed about Disney World to describing something horrifying without changing her tone very much. That contrast is probably the strongest part of this for me! I like that this sounds like a diary entry, since it can be hard to maintain that tone.
I think the vision could be clearer without becoming more detailed. You don’t necessarily need to tell us what Raisa saw because the vagueness suits her age, but I should understand what physically happened to her. Was it like remembering something she had never experienced? At the moment, "then I was back in the street" suggests, to me, that she temporarily left it, which is interesting. Though, the phrasing does not give me enough information to know whether that implication is deliberate.
Also, setting this in 1955 makes the Disney World reference strange because Walt Disney World did not yet exist, so I assume this is meant to be some clue that something is wrong with time? I'm not sure!
Thanks for sharing this, though! Cheers!
Lipton
In regards to the year and the mention of Disney World, I did not realize it was made in the 60s and wouldn’t be around (I googled this yesterday when writing another diary entry of hers) so I’m thinking of somehow changing that. But I am also considering keeping it because I already wrote it and this isn’t exactly based on reality, so yeah. Sorry for the confusion.
But thx for reading/advice!
Hello Raisa 😊 I haven’t read anything from your diary in a while so~
I do like the diary style of storytelling. Because on some days, just very little happens and on others, you have so much to tell—which means short chapters are exactly right for this~
Innnteresting that she doesn’t seem to understand what her fathers are usually up to, that dream sounded horrific ☹
I am so curious what Aeliana will have to say abt this!
Also I am curious if Raisa will ever be able to go to Disney Land…or any place really without her fathers having to give her permission…
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That shall be revealed in some other diary entries that I must find. ^v^