Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This is a song I made about a human who the Creepypasta Laughing Jack, created by Snuffbomb, is being used as his proxy and starts to see the clown in a “romantic” light. They do not realize how dangerous Laughing Jack really is. This song will be under my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. “Mi payaso, mi amor” means “My clown, my love” in Spanish. “Mi querido” means “My dear” in Spanish. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Take away all of my pain
Make me laugh again
Stuff my face with your candy
Want to die in sugary oblivion
Hug me till I burst
Out my organs squeeze
I want your claws to brush my skin
Start a circus for me
Start a whole show
Bring out the colorful scarves
Shower me with confetti
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re kind and you’re terrible
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re sweet and you’re sour
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re a friend and you’re a foe
Mi payaso, mi amor
You know how to rid me of my woes
You told me that you needed a forever friend
You said that your first left you
Drove you to your wit’s end
Well, here I am!
Your forever friend
I’ll love you to the bitter end
I love you when you spin me round’ the carousel
I love you when you tie me to the knife wheel
I love you when you’re laughing
I love you when you’re cackling
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re kind and you’re terrible
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re sweet and you’re sour
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re a friend and you’re a foe
Mi payaso, mi amor
You know how to rid me of my woes
I want to be a child again
I want to feel like I’m loved
You’re the only one who cares
The only one who knows
You want to be colorful again
You want to be with that boy again
You hold onto your rainbow self
I hold onto my childlike self
We’re drowning in our past
Clinging onto what is lost
We color away our worries with crayons
We eat the treats that push down our fears
They tell me you don’t exist
You tell me you only want to kill kids
Who cares what they say? Who cares what you are?
I’ll let you end me
Together, you and I will stay
Make me feel young again
Make me feel excited
Make me feel frightened
Make me jump up and down
Make me tremble in my sweat
It’s all a rollercoaster of emotions
A frenzy of feelings
You have so much to give
I’ll take everything
I’ll take your pastries and your poisons
Your magic and your mayhem
No matter what happens, you’ll always be
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re innocent and deranged
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re too human for your own good
Mi payaso, mi amor
You’re damaged, like me
Mi payaso, mi querido
All you need is love
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Hi there, once again! Ellie here again to leave a review on these lyrics of yours
One thing that I noticed that you did really well was maintaining a theme and mood for this piece. Right from the start we see this clown theme. You mention laughter and candies, but also with this bit of a dark twist. We mention dark from this sugar and in the next parts of the poem, you talk about wanting to be hugged and squished until your organs come out of your body. What I love about this is how creepy it is, but also it is speaking of love, perhaps in the only way that someone understands. I love it! Also the Spanish aspect was a nice touch too.
I adore your use of opposite words here! And the repeated Spanish in between the lines was awesome. Sweet and sour, both opposites, but we are describing the same person. Maybe they can be kind, but also terrible at times. A friend and a foe, makes sense. Nice work on this formatting too. It is simple.
And I loved this whole section as well, because we really see some of the evilness. "You only want kids" sounds like a kidnapper. This reminds me of one of those stories where a victim falls for their kidnapper. Overall, this was incredibly well written. Probably the best lyrics of yours I have read (though they are all incredible) just because of the added Spanish, asking questions, and the creepy but romantic mood. Great work!!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hey there, vampricone! Rebel here for a short review! :p
This is an interesting poem, I wonder why it hasn't been liked or reviewed for 4 months, but well, here I am! Late served but well served!
Although vampricone says that poet is about a creepypasta character Jack, to me, however, without the introductory paragraph, the poem would have seemed to be an ode to the frolicking, fun-loving, caring, and lovable beloved of the poet - well, except for that You tell me you only want to kill kids line - that... sounds ominous. Except for that line, the idea of Jack the Clown being a haunting, terrifying, and dreadful psychopathic murderer could have been hinted a bit more throughout the poem - but that's just a small detail. Maybe that's just me though. Or maybe I would have been less critical if the mango I just had wasn't as bitter as it was sweet - who knows?
Well, now for the analytical structure of the poem - I do not really emphasize the importance of rhyming patterns a lot as long as the flow of the lines sound natural and cool enough. And your poem had a nice, lyrical, and rhythmic beat throughout. Perhaps the lines We’re drowning in our past / Clinging onto what is lost sounded a bit less natural to me, for the change in rhythmic pattern (AABB) from the previous stanza You want to be colorful again / You want to be with that boy again / You hold onto your rainbow self / I hold onto my childlike self felt a little off. Or, perhaps it's just me.
Overall, the oxymoronic lines, the verbose use of romantic yet still horrifying metaphors and similes, the little Spanish words (I am sorry, but Spanish is just sweeter than English, so I like it whenever there's a Spanish word in an English poem), the overall rhythmic and lyrical pattern - and the idea of the poem itself in light of the context was really nice to read. It's a really nice and thought-provoking poem... well, only if you think about it, otherwise it's just disturbing - in a good way, however. Well, that's all. Keep writing! :p
P.S.: This review is brought to you by Team Tortoise! :p