Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1380. Alyssa is my OC, Laughing Jack is a Creepypasta character. You may google him if you like. Enjoy!*
Alyssa hitched up the skirt of her dress as she walked through the mud, the trees reaching high into the infinite sky.
He told her to go outside when the moon was high and as she was his proxy, she did as he said.
Alyssa used to wear modern clothes until he told her to wear her Grandma’s old dresses. She loved them, but was told that she could never wear them, for they were “ancient and filled with disease”.
She wasn’t sick from the dress, but from her love to him.
It was worth it, though. He was worth everything.
Alyssa stopped in the middle of the forest. Laughing Jack stood in front of her, a grin on his face.
She reached into her chest and pulled out her heart…
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
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Hi creeperfeverdreams, thank you for sharing your eggselent work - I'm here with an egg-inspired review for you today!
The Shell: A Round Interpretation - Overall Thoughts
This brief flashfiction piece is full of creepiness. We have the terrifying creepypasta character Laughing Jack, his influence on your poor OC, Alyssa, and her obsession with him. The obsession is so creepy!
The Yolk: The Best Bits
The ending is my favourite part. This is a very striking and raw image and it's such a horrifying end to the story.
Like.. i assume this is her real heart? Or is it a creepy way of saying how much she loves him? Either way, it really works.
The details about the grandma's dresses are great,
It gives the story more depth than just LJ and Alyssa, also giving the grandma a backstory to bring it alive more.
The Egg Whites: Time to Stir - Suggestions
The climax builds up a little too quickly in my opinion. While short stories, of course, are supposed to move quickly, rushing a moment that dramatic, such as Alyssa pulling her own heart out, can make the emotional payoff slip away. Give the final sentence some more build-up, describe the surroundings and LJ some more!
Show don't tell! You tell us a lot about the devotion, which is great, but really show us. What else has Alyssa done, how else has she really shown the devotion and obsession? This would make the piece even creepier.
Brought to you by Team Egg - in honour of TheEgg
Good morning creeper!
Your story is next in my grand exploration of the Green Room so hello!
Hmmm you have a repetition of “high” in the first and second paragraph which is very noticeable, especially in such a short piece!
Oh that is a cool line:
And shows the depths of her obsession better than any direct words could ever do!
Uhhh I don’t think you mean that metaphorically, right?
I do wonder how that works? Is she already so deep enchanted by him that it doesn’t hurt, that there is magic/creepy pasta stuff involved to actually make this work?
Other than that: very short ☹
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Yeah, it is some dark magic involved.
Thx for reading!