Young Writers Society

This is certainly spooky vampricone! Your song here reminds me of another piece I've reviewed by you "I love you, Father (William's Song)" which had a circus theme as well. It's a great combination because the silliness of the circus / clown makes the scary / morbid pieces seem even darker and surprising in contrast.

I have to say since the last time I reviewed one of your works, I feel like you have greatly improved on the punctuation aspect - this song flowed so well with the rhyming and your punctuation was all perfect and consistent all the way through! Great job taking in the feedback and putting it to use.

I think you also have a nice blend of chorus and verse - which can get tricky in a song.

Overall the rhyming was fairly good for flow and cadence throughout - the only word that tripped me up a bit was "swines" - which didn't seem like an image that I'd connect in with the circus / clown theme so it felt a bit stretched.

Something you might consider for songs like this is maybe creating a little prose of a scene before and after the song to "set the scene" of where you picture this song being used. I sort of imagined a movie unfolding as the song was sung, but some of that context can help make the song even more impactful for a reader.

Good luck with your writing and characters!

alliyah

This has a really..I mean, I don't know how to describe it right now, so give me a second to collect my thoughts. I think this kind of sounds like a song you would find in a Tim Burton movie, like the opening exposition that introduces the reader to an antagonist. I'm really interested in this stanza, amongst many others.

"But be careful.
Don’t leave me behind.
I change my mind like a dime.

My colors will lose its shine.
I’ll rip you into pieces with no regrets.
I’ll just cackle at your death."

Clowns are often seen as happy-go-lucky people, depending on who you ask, and maybe don't ask Stephen King, but I feel like this seems like a commentary on mental illness, and how being pushed aside can cause an already broken/struggling individual even closer towards the edge, and this clown is trying to hold onto its only shreds of its identity, hence the constant spelling out of clown as C-L-O-W-N, or maybe it's just a catchy refrain. I'm not really sure if that is up for interpretation, though.

I'm really impressed with this, quite honestly. You should be proud of yourself for making such a nice piece of work that's so neat and clean, almost.