First off, I just want to say that I am only one reader and these are only my own opinions. My word is not the authority. So, take what resonates and discard the rest.
I'll start with the compliments. I thought this was a very interesting introduction to your story. It has suspense and you've introduced a tension between your two main characters. It leaves the readers curious about what happens next.
Now, a bit of constructive criticism. I find it hard to connect with the story because I don't really know anything. I think that you're going for an element of mystery, but readers need something familiar to feel attached to the story and want to keep reading. I don't know where they are, I don't know what it looks like, so I'm unable to conjure an image of anything. I suggest adding something to ground readers; a description of the room, a description of the characters, etc. I also suggest expanding upon what you have already written to create a more fleshed-out version of this story.
Overall, I found this to be a very intriguing read and am interested in what comes next. Great work!
Points: 425
Reviews: 3
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