Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This is chapter two of my fanfic “The Trick-or-Treat clown”. Laughing Jack is a Creepypasta character created by Snuffbomb. This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Creepypasta Stuff”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Izora and Davorin found themselves in an abandoned, dying carnival. Yet, they could hear the carefree laughter of children their age.
“Come out and play!” Laughing Jack boomed.
From out of the darkness came bleeding, mutilated children, grinning skeletal faces leering at them.
But no, Izora and Davorin did not run. Where adults saw ghosts, they saw friends.
They played, rode on rides, and ate all the candy they could, never stopping for once to think of their parents and how they must have missed them. They would come home soon, they just wanted to play.
When the sun was close to the ends of the Earth, Laughing Jack stood in front of them and said:
“Come with me.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi there, vampricone! Dropping by to give you a review. I will be using the YWS'mores method to help structure my review.
The Top Graham Cracker: OOooo I'm so glad to see you continued this story! I must say that I am pretty surprised to see such a short length, although I don't mind it, because it definitely builds up the suspense and intrigue... so let's see what happens!
The Slightly Burnt Marshmallow: Nothing to note here! I personally think you could have bulked this up just a tiiiiny bit more, to give the reader a bit more to digest, but if you're comfortable with this length then no worries. As I said, it builds up intrigue, which is cool!
The Melty Chocolate Bar Despite the short length, I actually found this to be pretty good! I like how creepy this is. It seems like a challenge of sorts, to challenge yourself to be as creepy as possible with as few words as possible. I like that a bit of the imagery was left up to reader, to imagine Izora and Davorin at an abandoned carnival and to be surrounded by ghouls, yet from their perspective, they are playing with laughing, healthy children. The subtle descriptions does seem to be working in your favor!
My favorite lines were these:
The Bottom Graham Cracker: Unfortunately, this was a small review because I didn't have anything to critique! But I did enjoy reading this and I am eager to go read the next chapter!
I hope this review was a bit helpful.
~Iggy
Hey again vampricone! This is a pretty short chapter, so I'm going to leave a pretty short review.
This has continued on pretty much where I'd expect it to. I'm not sure it needs to be a chapter in itself. Maybe it could be combined with chapter three, as chapter one had a pretty nice hook in its entirety.
I'd like some more description here, and maybe some interaction between Izora and Davorin and these new children. I want to connect with them more.
I love this line, it's very descriptive!
That's all for this chapter. I can see chapter three is also in the Green Room, so I'll head there next!
Hope this was helpful.
Icy
Hello Hello, I am back with another quick review I hope you don't mind me popping in with a quick review. I figured since you are a very prolific writing and very loyal reviewer it's the least I can do. With all that rambling out of the way let's get to freeing this from the greenroom, shall we?
Overall this was quite the creepy tale. Allthough I am not super well-versed in creepypastas this seems like a very fitting piece. Thats something I've always found fun about them is the way they become like modern folklore in a way there are so many stories to be told or changed depending on the writer's wishes. I will have to admit this one had a very strong setting despite not having much of it described. I will also admit the way you described the kids shocked me I don't know why as you never shy from going dark. It does a good job of up the horror in an already spooky setup.
I feel this was the strongest line in the whole piece. I love how describe the sun setting it's both poetic and whimsical in way. This I feel is a very neat way to remind the reader that the Main characters are kids. Plus it becomes very foreboding when paired with the last line.
Now normally I would jump into some feedback. However, it would be the same thing I've brought up before with it needing perhaps a little bit of extra prose to make it fleshed out. Other than the fact I feel a bit of expanding could do it some good I couldn't find anything jarring. Meaning I won't go deep into anything here I don't want to nag or be annoying. it's your style and the enjoyment you get from it matters the most.
Regardless this was an interesting read that put creepy into this creepy pasta. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!
Very glad you enjoyed this%u2019