• Home

Young Writers Society

12+ Violence Mature Content

Crybaby and the clown-Vanilla ice cream (Chapter Five)

by vampricone6783

*This is a crossover fanfic between two characters named Crybaby and Laughing Jack. Laughing Jack was created by Snuffbomb and is part of the Creepypasta fandom. Crybaby is the persona of singer-songwriter Melanie Martinez. I thought to myself one day “What if Laughing Jack was in Crybaby’s life?” This is Chapter Five of the series. I already made the introduction on my profile. This part of the story is based off the song “Tag, you’re it” by Melanie Martinez. I recommend watching Melanie Martinez music videos and googling “Crybaby Melanie Martinez” and “Laughing Jack” so you can know the lore of these characters. In the music video, Crybaby gets cookies and poison from the cashier. Crybaby buys the cookies, the cashier gives her poison for protection. There’s a wolf ice cream man who gives her vanilla ice cream that poisons her. She faints and the wolf kidnaps her. I think that there are different versions (both ending up with her kidnapped), but I’m not sure. In one version, she immediately accepts the ice cream. In another, she picks chocolate, but the wolf makes her choose vanilla and she relents. This doesn’t happen in this chapter. This is a fanfic, so it will be a little different than what actually happens in the music videos. Another nickname for Laughing Jack is “LJ”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

Crybaby walked slowly, holding a box of cookies in her arms. In her left hand, she held a bottle of poison.

Crybaby got tired of looking for Johnny. She blindly ran and stopped only when it was too late.

The running starved her. She had bits of change. She went to the nearest store and bought a box of cookies. For some reason, the cashier gave her a bottle of poison.

So, Crybaby was walking back home, with her cookies and poison. It was stupid to look for Johnny anyway, when she really thought about it. Laughing Jack was waiting for her. He was probably worried sick about her.

In the distance, the ice cream music play. In any other circumstance, Crybaby would stop for ice cream, but she didn’t have any money with her, so she wouldn’t get any.

It came closer…closer…closer…

“Would you like any ice cream?”

Crybaby looked up and almost jumped back out of fright, but controlled herself.

The ice cream man was a wolf. An actual wolf.

“I-I don’t have any money.”

The wolf smiled. Crybaby bit back a scream. LJ looked scary, but he wasn’t bad. She shouldn’t judge too hard.

And yet, she had a horrible feeling about the wolf.

“That’s okay. This ice cream is free. Do you want one?”

The wolf took out a vanilla soft serve ice cream cone. It did look creamy and soft. It was free, too. She hadn’t eaten in a while…

“Sure.” Crybaby said.

She took the cone and licked the ice cream once she had it in her hands.

It was good…soft…creamy…sweet…but…slightly sour….wait…why was everything going blurry? She…she didn’t feel her legs…


Is this a review?



User avatar
229 Reviews

Points: 9163
Reviews: 229

Sun Sep 10, 2023 8:49 pm
View Likes
foxmaster wrote a review...

Hey, foxmaster here for a quick review!
Oooh a cliffhaner! I'm interested so far... I think you did a good job of keeping this as a cliffhanger, and I'm looking forward to the next part.
However, once again, I feel like you spent most of the time here describing the music video and the background of this than the actual chapter.
Once again, I feel like you rushed this chapter, and I found that I couldn't picture it as vividly in my head as I would have liked.
I feel that you could have described this better (e.x. the wolf, the ice cream, what happened at the store with the cookies and the poison).
This was also rather short, again, and I feel you could have made it a bit longer.
Overall, that's it! Looking forward to chapter six!
happy writing,

User avatar
102 Reviews

Points: 13949
Reviews: 102

Sun Sep 10, 2023 3:41 am
View Likes
LuminescentAnt wrote a review...

Hey vapricone! I'm here to review using the YWS S'more Method!

This will be a super quick review, because again, it is really late where I am. Sorry if this is not as informative!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
Okay, I have listened to a part of this song before, but I have not seen the music video, so I haven't seen the background. In this story, Crybaby has just gone to the store, and she bought cookies, and the cashier gave her poison. She is looking for LJ, when the ice cream truck comes, which is run by a scary wolf. He convinces her to have an ice cream, which makes her feel weird and then everything went blurry.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements

The wolf smiled. Crybaby bit back a scream. LJ looked scary, but he wasn’t bad. She shouldn’t judge too hard.
And yet, she had a horrible feeling about him.

I was a little confused here, because I think you might have italicized the wrong thing here. I thought Crybaby was saying LJ was scary, because you didn't italicize "he." Instead, you italicized "horrible," which I think is unnecessary. I also think you didn't need to italicize "too" in this sentence.
She took the cone and licked the ice cream once she had it in her hands.
It was good…but…why was everything going blurry? She…she didn’t feel her legs…

Another thing I am being picky about. What exactly did the ice cream taste like? If it is poison, did it have a weird flavor, or did it taste normal? I feel like "good" doesn't really summarize it clearly. I am really curious about this ice cream.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I liked how you described what Crybaby felt as she ate the ice cream, and everything went blurry. I also think you did a good job at writing what Crybaby was thinking as she was panicking that LJ would be worried about her. The suspense of the ice cream truck is also well written!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this chapter was really suspenseful, especially the ending, when she blacked out. I really want to know what happens to her! When she is kidnapped, what does the wolf want to do with her? You are really good at creating suspense.
I look forward to reading the next chapter!
Happy Writing!

"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong