Young Writers Society

Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I just want to say I like Melanie's music as well so I am going to guess the magic used is closer to her throwing things than the use of her hair in k- 12. However, I feel that's something I can get into more depth over later in the reiew. Let's begin, shall we?

Overall I found the idea interesting as her music has dark themes under this very polished pop sound that seems sweet. ( that's true through the crybaby era and even now with portals. ) While creepy pastas have at times very overt dark themes and lore I think it could be a tricky but well-blended concept if done right.

Yet I feel it needed a bit more room to breathe. I understand that this is a short chapter in a series I haven't read in full however I feel doing small things like describing what the powers are like in your own words ( Yes there's the music video and all that ) But having that small little example of showing the reader these powers and how the boy is happy might make the thing feel richer.

I know I say this a lot in my reviews to you so you can feel free to ignore it. Considering this is an older piece I don't think edits need to be made in this case. I still think perhaps adding sensory details and describing settings could do a lot to help you work. ( Please don't take this the wrong way after all writing skills take time to develop and what I think might help a style might be what you want to do. I get it)

Okay now on to something that caught my eye.

The blond girl isn’t magical. The blond girl isn’t fun. Why did he pick HER?

Please forgive me if it is and it's not showing up for me but thoughts like this should be in italics. This is mostly done to make sure the reader can tell the difference between thoughts and prose. ( This might just be me and my more nitpicky side coming out. )

Lastly, I found this phrase a bit awkward.

Crybaby smiled, swallowing back her sorrow.

For me, I think I would get rid of the word back. Perhaps it's just not a phrase I have heard but I feel the flow and meaning remain without it.

Crybaby smiled, swallowing her sorrow.

Over all this feedback Is just my thoughts and by no means has to be taken. With older pieces like this I want to stress that as growth can and will happen after it that might make this a poor reflection on your skills now. Please don't take what I say as me trying to dishearten you.

As always drink keep writing and drink water!

Hey vampricone! I'm here to leave a winter-themed review for you!

Snow out the window - My Interpretation of the Piece

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Another short chapter, but lots to think about here. Crybaby followed a boy and a girl to their daycare, and tried to cheer up the boy, but in doing so, it also made her feel worse. That's when she realized that she had to go home to LJ.

Cold Things - Something(s) I think you can improve on:

Ice 🧊: I think it's a little unclear why she followed the boy and girl. Is it because she liked the boy? Did she already notice that she was sad? And did they notice that she was following them? Knowing these things might help us understand the characters as well as the plot also.

Snowman ⛄: You said the the blue boy was sad to be with the girl, but then afterwards, he chose the blond girl over Crybaby. So did he like the girl or was he sad when he was with her? If it's somehow both, maybe you could explain the conflict a little more and maybe that add to why Crybaby is so upset.

Warm Things - Something(s) I think you did well in the piece

Hot Cocoa ☕: I think you did a good job of describing Crybaby's emotions, like how she felt after the blue boy betrayed her, and how horrible that made her feel. Understanding characters are important, and it seems like you spent some time writing how she felt.

Warm Scarf 🧣: I like how you started with Crybaby being sad about the blue boy leaving her, and then you tell the story from the beginning, until we understand why she is crying. It hooks the reader into reading the story and also makes them ask questions about the story.

A cozy blanket at night - Conclusion

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This was a nice addition to the story, it's sad that this happened to Crybaby, but at least she now knows that she has to go back to Laughing Jack, and go home. I hope this review was helpful. Happy holidays!