Young Writers Society

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I liked it.
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I liked it.
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It was awesome!!
I liked it:)Wow did I like it.
I liked it.
It was cool!
It was awesome!!
I liked it:)Wow did I like it.
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It was cool!
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I liked it:)

Yeah, that was very good. I loved the opening, although all of the things that were pointed out I do agree with. It was great, I can't wait for chapter 2, it was very original.

Wow, thanks for the long review.

It does need a lot of changes done to it, I have second chapter but I hate it, and later on I might change it. However I'm working on something else right now.

Thanks for the tips, I'll take them into account.

This is pretty good . I'm looking forward to reading more.

Security officer John Thompson was having a bad morning. It wasn t just the fact he d got up late, missed out on breakfast, missed the airbus and been berated by his boss. He also had a gun in his face.

It was being wielded by a large, skin-headed man built like a large bull. He probably weighed about the same too. He was an amateur obviously. The hand holding the gun was shaking nervously, and a small sweat drop ran into his eye and he wiped it impatiently. He had large growing sweat patches under his cheap ripped shirt and his pupils were diluted.

Though from the apparent situation would suggest he was in a disadvantageous position, he was steadily confident.

He angrily tossed the slugger to one side, threw himself across the table and tried to grab Thompson s throat. However all he grasped was some air.

Another one? There ain t any space in the fridge. You ll have to let him go.
We re gonna let this scum out? John was raging. It was happening more and more. They released all but the ones that had killed.

But of all the levels none were as exclusive or as luxurious as the top one, known only as the Sky. Very little was known of it. You needed a pass card to enter, and they were only given out to the lucky few, vouched by the Mayor or Security Chiefs. Of what went on up there, there were only rumours. The only concrete facts were that the robot factory and techno-labs were up there, constantly churning out new and fantastic computerised gadgets to satisfy the population, and that the richest of the citizens took up residence there.

He raised his gun and laughed as he unleashed a round of badly aimed shots at Thompson, most skimming over his head. He dropped instinctively to the floor and reached for his gun, switching it to paralyse. It took just half a second for him too take aim and pull the trigger. The shockwave flashed across through the smoke, hit the old man s murderer, electrocuted him and threw him backwards.

The weapon that did it lay just beside the body.

The slugger was a primitive weapon, favoured by the gang because it was widely available and devastating at short distances. It wasn t an energy weapon, but an ancient mechanised recoil weapon that fired large shells, deadly in the hands of a good marksman. But it was not in the same league as the police shockgun.

His wife had been brutally murdered in a random attack just two years ago. He tried to tell himself that any sort of revenge attack would never take away the torture that played on his heart, the part that made him want to kill himself and join her, but just increase it. But his thirst for revenge was unassailable. He wanted to bring the Bandits down, and watch their ashes fade away into the sky. Because it was the black leather that several eye-witnesses saw on that fateful day, as one robbed her and the other shot her in the back. From behind, like a goddamn coward. He d have his revenge. He d get inside, play his way along and kill their leader. Then, and only then, would he finally lay the pain aside and move on.

His name was Sapphire and he was chief of the Smoky Bandits.

It had definitely been an eventful ten years. The ugly scar permanently ruining his good looks had been the handiwork of the former chief, when he had challenged his rule.

A favourite tactic of his was to order squads to operate in pairs out of their company.

He looked back to find the nozzle of a large slugger almost in his eye.

To be honest I don't like it that much, but I thought I'd share all the same. Comments appreciated. Note: It's not supposed to be scientific, so I don't care about the shockgun and all the other names I made up.

Woah, what happened to apostrophes and speech marks? Sorry about that, it does make it really confusing. I'll try and fix that.

Thank you both of you for the comments.

Nate; I'll take your advice. I'll look at this again and soon and make some big changes. This is one of my many stories that I never considered the ending; big mistake obviously, the story is going anywhere really. I had a vague idea, but nothing concrete.

I've done a few other chapters, I might post them up later.

I loved the opening!
I liked it. The gang stuff was interesting, and the description of New London. It's too bad the quotation marks were missing, their absence made it a little confusing.

I thought this was really good! The quotes and apostrophes are missing, but I think that has to do with something in the message system. I'll have to look at the code...

Here's what I didn't like:
- Stick to just one character; probably John. Don't use the viewpoints of other characters in the first chapter. That is, leave Sapphire to the second chapter (probably make the entire second chapter from just his point of view).
- It sounded jumpy in places, such as in the second part where you go from describing New London to John beating up a gang.
- I was confused at certain points about who was talking at what points in the first section. Make sure that when you are using dialogue that you identify who's talking right after the first part of the sentence, such as "I'm going to go to the moon," said Armstrong. "But first, I need to pack my clean underwear."

Here's what I liked:
- Your dialogue, the stuff inside the quotes, was superb. The gang members are done very well.
- Your descriptions of New London are done excellent as well. For something like that, you need to tell instead of show, but you did it in an interesting manner and you stated it very clearly so as to leave no confusing to the reader.
- Your opening was excellent! It's funny, grabs the reader's attention, and introduces the reader right away to the main character.

Overall, I really liked it.