Young Writers Society

Hello there.

Popping in to give one last review for RevMo, and to give a deserved second review.

I think that by this being in the first person, this kind of reads as repetitive, especially the description of the cold wind and the winter. This being a short story, I'd rather see a daily event in the narrator's life and show that maybe some soldiers were trying to piece together jackets or ate a scare amount of saved food.

I think that with more specific examples, this would connect more with the reader. At the moment, this reads like a pretty ordinary, fantasy-somewhat tale of a character rallying his troops, of weary men to fight against the evil people. I don't really feel anything for this guy so far, as I don't really know anything that makes him tick, besides the fact that women were not among the soldiers? To each their own, but I figure that if it's going to be a super cold, miserable winter, they might as well take everyone they can.

In addition, the prose in this is okay, but everything is summarized, which reads like a dull story. Like, there's no playful interactions with the characters to prove that the old dude is a complainer, or that these people trained so hard it was ridiculous or why these people were even kicked out in the first place. I think that's a good place to start and even thinking about whether to make this into a more novel-like format.

That's all for now, as there's not that much to really go over, besides the classic fantasy vibe of starting a novel right before or right after a battle. Peace.

hum.. I won't nitpick now.. just one question.

I was daring to dream. I had congregated together over a score of tough, hopeful men who sought the same as me. The hard winter had hit them badly and they were not the skilled fighters they once could have been – but they were my army nonetheless. Several of them had been former soldiers; they were my sergeants. The rest were big men who were ever hopeful and fantasised of reliving the old Kingdom. We all shared the dream, and that was good because dreams are only come true if everybody believes in it.

Like the first Birds of War, it's still really good.

I don't think my what you could call a critique will change.