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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Thanks Soy.
I suppose most of your queries are due to the fact this is for my sister. She's an accountant, who goes to uni in Edinburgh, and was due to go on holiday to New York at New Year with her boyfriend, but the broke up. I wrote this about that.
But yeh, it needs some punctuation.
Interesting...not my fav, but interesting. Nit picky time though love.
It seems kind of redundant tome. If it's christmas, it's winter. And I'm not so sure about . I understand that you were going for something, I'm just not seeing what it was. Also, switching from 'fucking cold' to 'fiery anger' just isn't cuting it for me. Maybe, though a little cliche, still nic eimagery. 'cold fire anger'? It fits better with your other imagery.First stanza, do you need
Second stanza
Ooo hoo. All right, First off, I don't like your wording. THe senses thing I like, but the wording just confuses the reader as the whether the tree is hurting oyu or you are hurting the tree, and then you have the same kind of wording right after with the girls...who is hurting who? Maybe try
"Prickly norweigian pine tress,
hurt you when you touch them.
up-and-coming english girls
hurt when..."
And don't use 'touch them again'. It's redundant and kind of grates the tongue when you have the same wordings right afte each other.
Ok, if it's so much simpler the be manchester lass, then why are the castles of edinburgh included with the skyscapers when you say they weren't made for accountants? You should probably use some sort of punctuation or add another line. And where did the accountant come from? You never put any kind of job up ther ebefore,t hen out fo the blue, hey! An accountant! What happened to 'you'? Also, is this for a gay guy? Because in the first stanza you talk about fiery young men, then him not loving 'you', then it's the 'you' that has the temper. Confusing. You might want to take out the last line.
Hey, I had more critique than I thought I was going to. Who knew? Still kind of like it.
And sorry for the typos, at the crappy school keyboard.
Thankee very much everyone
Hey FS. I love this! It flows together smoothly enough and I like your word choice as someone else said. Great work as always!
Damn but you're good! I have to say this is one of my favourites by you. Hell, one of my favourites on the entire board. Love it. Keep up the great work!
You have a lot of power in your words. From reading your poetry, it's evident that you spend a lot of time intricately placing words together...with you it seems like nothing is repeated or said twice. I always get that edge-of-seat feeling...
I really like this, especially the personal style of the poem. The dedication and the conversational tone really adds to the interest. So good job there. The only thing I'm unsure about is the punctuation. You have full stops at the end of the last two stanzas, but what about the first stanza and in between? That's just unimportance though, I'm nit-picking.
Do you need the "are" at the end of the third line? Try getting rid of it, I think it disrupts the rhythm and the natural flow of the poem.
Overall, absolutely great. Interesting and understandable. You also have the whole tactile imagery thing going, with the "fucking freezing" weather and the "pricky" "norwegian pine trees". Good stuff.
HEE HEEEEEE! I loved this! Its great. Go the British!
~Lollipop~