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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
I liked it. I can't say exactly why. I just like how it sounds when read.
*will make musical analogy; hope it's alright*
It seems pretty low key for a while, then crescendos (though I didn't realize it at first) until the whole ensamble plays in ordered confusion until it sforzandos and fortepianos (with the "our music runs to raging beats -
fireheatwarignorance") into the realization at the end. This is why I like it, for the feeling it creates.
Nice job.
It looks like DD and Bradshaw have gotten here before me, but I'll throw my own two cents into the pot anyway. ^_^
1.1 - I agree that this would probably work best if "stratosphericallyspeaking" was two words. I'm all for the juxtaposition of words to create new ones--I think it can be an amazing tool in poetry--but as this is the first word in your poem, and they're two long words, the average reader could very well find this intimidating enough to put the poem down.
1.2 - For rhythm's sake, maybe you should trim "closer" to "close?" It still keeps its meaning, and the pruning of an unnecessary syllable makes it flow a little bit smoother.
1.4 - Personally, I think "trivial anecdotes" is a mite redundant; anecdotes usually are trivial, or they'd be lessons/morals, wouldn't they? I think the line would flow better without it, as well. As far as syllables go in this stanza, you've got 8-10-7-12. Trimming lines 2 and 4 as suggested would leave you with 8-9-7-9, which flows a little more smoothly.
I agree with DD in that the second "just" in 2.2 is unnecessary; it also helps the flow by eliminating that.
I don't think the "quickly / and" in lines 2 and 3 is necessary, and while I loved "fiveminutes" and "fourminutes," "fireheatwarignorance" just seems a little too hefty, if you know what I mean. That line is also incredibly long because of it, so maybe trimming would be of some use? Also, I'd suggest the use of a semi-colon after "white," instead of a comma.
Hm. From the last line of the previous stanza to the first line of this stanza, you've got one hell of a lovely run-on. Put in prose, it's: "The earth flashes white, we stop (and stare) at the end of the world, we realise it's cold." I'd suggest, instead: "the earth flashes white; we stop (and stare) // at the end of the world. we realise it's cold." I think the juxtaposition of the shortness of the last 'sentence' with the brevity of the next ("we realise the time") works well; it slows the reader down and adds more emphasis.
Alternatively, you could punctuation that sentence a little differently, which would give it a bit of a different meaning. Instead of, "The earth flashes white; we stop (and stare) at the end of the world. We realise it's cold," you could have "The earth flashes white; we stop (and stare). At the end of the world, we realise it's cold." Depends on what you want to emphasize, yeah?
Hope this helped some. ^_^
Thanks DD and Brad! Some awesome critiques to consider. I'll edit this sometime today and post up a newer draft.
Jack--
Some inlines for your consideration.
stratospherically(speaking), time
is nothing; up here, closer to the edge,
danger should be bloodshot( red,
but) (and ) the minutes (shouldn't) pass (like trivial anecdotes).
there are no ticktocks, no alarms flashing.
just status quo, just (the same) wayward path(s):
from this vacuum(, this vantage,) we see cuba
as insignificant. (five)minutes turn (with //) (to fourminutes)
(but the clock is invisible) (invisible clocks we,) (we) party like it's 1953,
gamma or no gamma. this is (the way) (how) we live - (quickly
and) without regret. our music runs to raging beats -
(fireheatwarignorance.) the earth('s) (flashes white) (white flash), we stop (and stare)
at the end of the world(, we realise it's cold.) (where) we realise
the time(. it')(i)s almost midnight. a whisper carries (to) our ears:
nobody watches the watchmen because nobody can see.
The repetition of "nobody" in the last line irks me and detracts from the power it could have.
Take care,
Brad
This is very unique, Jack, very unusual. That being said, I like it very much. Glad you mentioned it in the chat, otherwise I don't know that I would have found my way here. I've not read as much by you as I would have liked - but now that I read this, I understand that PM. ^_~ Normally the lack of caps would have been grating, but the way you presented this, it really came off as a work of art, and so comfortable exempt from the too-rigid norms.
A few suggestions, below:
stratosphericallyspeaking, time
is nothing; up here, closer to the edge,
danger should be bloodshot red,
but the minutes pass like trivial anecdotes.
[The opening here is more than a little daunting - the combination of two words works passably well in the second and third stanzas, but as an opening (and especially and opening with such an initial, large word - 'stratospherically'), it's just plain awkward. I would suggest splitting up that first phrase. After that, it's just one sheer wave of brilliance. I love the rhyme, 'red' on 'edge'. ^_^]
there are no ticktocks, no alarms flashing.
just status quo, just the same wayward path:
from this vacuum, this vantage, we see cuba
as insignificant. fiveminutes turn to fourminutes
[I suggest changing 'just the status quo, just the same wayward path' to 'just the status quo, the wayward path' - in other words, kill the second 'just' on that line. It drags a bit too much. On another note, perhaps edit the third line a bit: 'from this vacuum, this vantage point, we see cuba'. This stanza carries with it a feeling of hushed silence - but vageuly ominous and unsettling, like waiting for the bomb to drop.]
but the clock is invisible. we party like it's 1953,
gamma or no gamma. this is the way we live - quickly
and without regret. our music runs to raging beats -
fireheatwarignorance. the earth flashes white, we stop (and stare)
[Perhaps the opening of that last line would work better as 'fire. hear. war. ignorance.'? As it is here, because it's all crowded together, it feels rushed and so doesn't really make the impact that it seems those words should.]
at the end of the world, we realise it's cold. we realise
the time. it's almost midnight. a whisper carries to our ears:
nobody watches the watchmen because nobody can see.
[I almost got you for spelling 'realise' with an 's'. ^_~ A suggestion for the last line. It might be more striking with an internal rhyme that echoes the opening, as in:
at the end of the world, we realise it's cold. we realise
the time. it's almost midnight. a whisper carries to our ears:
nobody watches the watchmen because nobody cares to see.
'Cares' and 'ears', right?]
Brilliantly done, Jack, and striking as always.
--
[Critted for the CCF]