Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
I love the imagery you use. The only problem I see is the last three lines of the first stanza. It seems sort of awkward/confusing. I think it would make more sense if you put the question mark at the end of the third line...or something like that. Then again, maybe I'm just confused about what you're trying to say in that stanza (which is vrey possible).
Overall, I really like this. Keep up the good work!
hmm..
)
first stanza, last line. Can I assume you know what you're doing with this? It sounds a bit misplaced, but it goes along with the third stanza, last line (which I happen to like..) and the last stanza, last line (which I don't like).
I think my dislike of the last line comes from the abruptness of it. while you have been seemingly leading up to that line, it's still very "hey, look at me, I'm the point of this"-ish.. basically I think you can make that better. not smoother, per se, but more fitting to the poem.
only other nit-pick (er.. opinion, rather) is the use of "love" in the third stanza, third line. Just doesn't seem well placed.. ah well.
and I think Sam said it. muy bien (only I don't particularly care for french
I'm pretty ambivalent about this. You built tension extraordinarily well in the beginning, but lost it as your tone became more romantic. Actually, I felt kinda broadsided by the change. Perhaps you could establish the presence of "her" as being in this place of danger, so I know how the two relate.
Beautiful imagery. A few run-ons (of which I am often guilty in poetry!) and misplaced commas muddied the picture a bit. For example:
running down cobbled streets,
did you see the fading lanterns?
knocked and broken in retreat,
everyone shut their doors.
Is "everyone", are the" lanterns", or are the "doors" "knocked down and broken".
As usual, I want to see this progress further because it is a great start.
Ah, très magnifique. (And the French's not meant as an insult...
)
The last stanza is really cool, have to give you that.
Er... one comment. This doesn't seem to fit in: "from your eyes; beautiful blues"
I think it's because the word "blues" sounds kind of awkward on the end.
Otherwise, I liked it.