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139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
The opening line does not do the rest of the world justice.
"smiling is the world's language"
Though I agree with the concept it seems too "nice" for the rest of the poem, which is a little bit gritty.
"passion is nothing
love is lust
love is dust
perhaps even beneath
your disgustingly incessant
lovely prettiness
there is a vacuum
and my aching desire
is nothing
but fallacy,
sweet fallacy"
This is my favorite part. It's a little cliched, but all poems are. There is a nice inconsistency here.
"so nobody notices the
swelling of water, the
forgotten reservoir
of my boyish eyes."
This is my second favorite part.
I know you'd like some constructive critisism, but I don't really have any for you. It's difficult to critique poetry. For me, anyway.
-Sarah
You're welcome.
:thumb:
Ooh, extra comments. Thanks everyone.
I'm with...um...well whoever said it. No caps. Uh uh. *shakes head* It's really good...my favourite part was probably the end:
*nods* Yeah....sweet fallacy...that's an awesome line. Great job. ^_^
hey
this is one of the two poems ive read on this site. It's really good. Keep Writing.
"Big yellow brain"? Oh, dear...
Other than that, it was fantabulously beautiful.
"love is lust
love is dust "
My fave lines out of the whole thing.
EDIT: I just caught this upon scrollin up: The first line seems a bit cliche. Not _really_ cliche, or I probably would have caught it the first time, but still not all that original.
Tahnk you Mesh! I'll look at those suggestions.
And Sam, sure you can have it
FIRESTARTER! DON'T LISTEN! NO CAPS! AHHH!!!
whoops...sorry. I personally like poems better with no caps. It's a lot more natural and less clunky, so to speak. It's like reading a paragraph that Looks Like this and Is really Annoying and You go Up and down, Up and Down...get my point?
I read part of this poem in your signature, and thought 'oh my god, that's beautiful'...I was going to ask you where you got it from but...*lol* you wrote it.
I love this poem...can I have it? Print it? Stick it to my ceiling?
ha ha...good job on this one. Know you wanted some, but no critique
Really Jack, shamless bumping, indeed
One thing, you don't need caps! It is not written anywhere that caps are a requirement of poetry. As long as you use either caps or no caps, it's fine, just not both together.
Not overly fond of the first line; seems weak, somehow. "or a sad masquerade", I love that line.
"they always fall down" dounds akward, maybe always falling down? just wondering, big yellow brain? Also, I would jeep plastic on the line above it; one word lines tend to make for choppy reading. The last four lines are excellent.
I like heart of stone, but the precedign lines are, i don't know, not right. "it gets you wondering" is the first time you've talked to the reader, and it's not consistant. "Lovely prettiness", yuck! Not sure how to help it, per se, but describing something, like eyes or hair, maybe complexion, would sound better to me then "lovely prettiness". And becuase i'm tired, "fallacy" means, what again? (i should know this, too! gah).
*shameless bump*
Sorry, but I really would like people to critique this poem.
Thanks everybody!
This poem was marvelous. It reminded me of a Snow Patrol song. Look into them.
That was a really great sudden one-liner. I loved it.
Usually I do not like repetative words (strange since I repeat so many things in my poems, I can barely stand it when I read them over), but in this instance I thought it was very appropriate.
I really enoyed reading this... enjoying reading is a great thing. I would give this poem a 9/10...
Like Emma said, you do need caps... But other then that, your poem showed intricate structure and it seems like you've put effort into it. I really liked the second section except for the big yellow brain part. That seemed slightly more odd to me. But then again, that's just me.
Wow that is like really good. Okay so I didn't understand some of the words but it matched the poem beautifuly.
And also, when writing a poem, you must begin with a cap letter at each new line. Thats all!