z

Young Writers Society



eleven/eleven

by Firestarter



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
701 Reviews


Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Donate
Fri Nov 04, 2005 4:40 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



*first-reviewer-dance*

Mmm well I liked it - you did a good job with the whole thing but...Oh, I dont know. I sometimes get the feeling (and please dont take this as an insult, its only my opinion) that you've become so good at the whole poetry thing - at organizing metaphors and imagery and etc. - that you dont actually *write* anymore. As in, poems that are based on feelings, rather than ideas. I dont know. They seem so very...similar, to me, now. But I'm being maudlin, perhaps. And maybe I'm just jealous, LMAO :lol:

Anyhoo. I loved the first stanza, particularly the last two lines. Second stanza not so good. "because" seems wrong. And (famous speech or no famous speech) its repetitive, too fast and too hard to fit into a rhythm. Concept is good, not sure about execution. Last two stanzas, awesome. The ending...eh. I've been fussy with endings today - I never like em. They always seem so abrupt. I'll come back tomorrow, heheehe.

So yeah. My two cents.

PS: "executed" in the first stanza; the concept is right, the word is wrong. Too many syllables maybe. It doesnt fit.





The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
— Helena 'HG' Wells, Warehouse 13