Young Writers Society

The last two lines of the first stanza don't make sense in context with what comes before them... it's a phrase that seems like it should stand alone, but there is no verb *runs around in confusion* Other than that, this first stanza sounds good to me.

In the second stanza, did you intend for the "they" to be generic? I couldn't tell if I was supposed to realize who or what the "they" is, be it eyes or a person. If it's a person, use "he" or "she".

In the third stanza, keep the verb tenses constant "he's slipping" is followed by "he struggled" and it was confusing. The "really" in "but really he's slipping through her grip" sounds wordy to me.

I'm a bit confused how the beginning of the poem connects to the end of it, but this seems to happen to me more than I'd like to admit, so it could very well just be me I like how it all sounds together. I really like the phrase "Miracles would satisfy him" for some reason. The third stanza made the most sense to me, and I think it was a lovely way to end.

P.S. yes, I'm critiquing even though it's rather old, no I don't care. Why don't you like this poem?
*Steals Ari's gavel and hits judges stand repeatedly*

-Amelia

Well, my crit ticks are generic, so use it elsewhere if you please. Also, the conversion rate is something like
1 tick = .0642 Yen

No! Don't hate it!

I like it.

Ari hath spoken.

*bangs gavel*

I hate this poem though.

yeah gotta love reviving old poems, though

-crit ticket-
(if you so choose)

Oh no, my very old poem has been necromanced.

Hi! good poem. But I am going to have to say that the last too paragraphs were confusing

Well anyway good job!

Wow, I can't believe I never commented on this one; I've always liked this poem! The title especially has stuck with me. The whole thing is so sad, but so beautiful. But then, maybe the sadness is part of what makes it beautiful... Anyhow, lovely work, Jack.

very weird. I'll say it was good, but the confusion almost got the better of me.

I don't get what everyone doesn't understand. I liekd it. It made perfect sense too me.

Jack I got it! Basically you feel like you're taking and not giving enough or something? The line "As he struggled toward the sunset" perhaps means that you're struggling to find a resting place, a destination, a final, culminating point? I'm not sure if I'm interpreting this correctly, but all I can say is that the poem is beautiful. You are, and will remain, my absolute favorite poet on the site. I just love how you weave words into magic carpets that fly away in my imagination (there-I'm getting poetic too! lol). Great job, and especially because I'm normally not the type to get poems. For some reason I get this one though.

Just out of curiosity...Why did you abandon Christianity?

So I DID understand it! *laughs*

That was actually one of my favorite lines.

That line you just mentioned is basically about a couple of things - one, the fact that miracles are portrayed in the bible a lot, two, the fact I've never read the bible and I abandoned Christianity as a child. The "him" in the poem is me. The whole point about the miracles is that "him, or me, is alwasy expecting more from people and never getting what I want, never being satisfied with that I have.

It sounded good ,but then honestly when i thought about it i didn't quite understand all the words and how they fit in. They sounded good there none the less...but they didn't exactly make sense.

For example : Miracles would satisfy him, but they were forgotten when he lost
his bible.

I don't really get how that would fit in. Please someone help me out and explain that to me. I might just be not getting something. Thanks Katie

i really liked it! it was confusing but i guess thats part of what made it so good! i really like the end bit about slipping through her grip because of the tears

That's strange...for my last few poems I get a call of people telling me they make no sense, so I make this easier to understand and no one does. Except Crysi.

*blinks*

I feel like I'm missing something, only because I have no trouble understanding it lol. I like this a lot, although I'd change "struggled" to "struggles" just to stay within the tense...

Very nicely done. The message I get from the poem is sad, and painful, but I like it.

Maybe I'm not good at critiquing poetry... (ignores the shouts of "You JUST figured that out??")

ok.. I'm still a bit confused as to what you're doing here, exactly.. too many metaphors that can be confused. especially for those of us that read your blog..

sounds very questioning, unsure, and overly exptant.. well, almost. "miracles"? not asking for much, are we.

ok, on reading several times, this makes sense, but.. not in context.. at least not completely.

flow is alright, last few lines of the last stanza.. sunset? come on, now! this doesn't sound entirely like you, sunset is rather over-used. the image I like, though.

ok, overall, a little confusing.. first stanza is good, next one sounds haughty to me, like "he only wants everything", third, still some of the 2nd stanza there, but once past the first three lines it's better.

oh yes.. dare I ask what you're talking about, in this (not what you wanted us to get, what it is to you)? I draw several conclusions, and most of them make little sense, or are contradictiory, which i supppose could be a point..

Eh... I have to agree with Nate on this one. When you use metaphors, you usually try to use something that signifies right-away to the reader, "Oh, so that's what he means!" So (and yes, I know this is very clichéd) if you say, "His green eyes ringing of life" then it cues on the reader what you're trying to say.

Anyway, using common references and expanding on there helps the poem a lot. Otherwise, you'll get people either being confused and turned off by this poem, or weird conspiracy theorists who like to put aliens or government in any piece of art (i.e. "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" stands for LSD!)

Hope that helped some. ^_^;;

I'm not sure what to make of this poem. I thought about it for a while, and I can't figure out half of it, such as, why is he slipping away? And what does "as he struggled towards the sunset" mean?

The first stanza is done pretty well, but the other two are just confusing to me.