Young Writers Society

I love the kids devotion to is mother and how very, very, much he wants to get something for her.

Only beauty tells him what to do.

*babbles some more superlatives*

Thank yoooo. I wasn't sure about this chapter whatsoever, it was really an experiment, but it seems to have gone down quite well; I'm glad you understood it all.

Ah, Jack! I love it!

Do you want to know what I love best? ...you don't automatically assume that your readers are in a vegetative state. You use a different style, a different POV, a different tense, and you use subtle clues- but it is rather clear how this ties into Chapter 2.

And it's just subtle enough that it makes your readers feel clever to have figured out that connection.

You know I'm a sucker for your poetic style, so I don't have a whole lot to say in the realm of nit-picking, but just a question- how are you going to transition the different pieces into one another? If you venture much farther than literary boards, where we're all veterans of slugging through odd scene juxtapositions, you're going to get a loud, rallying cry of, "What the heck is going on?"

I don't think you need to worry about it so much now, so early in the story- especially when it's going beautifully- but keep in mind when you're editing and re-reading how you're going to preface and lead into each new piece.

Oy, so much more smooth than #2 , and you've gone back to the deceptive poetic prose of the prologue. Though, unlike the prologue, you've no ideas clashing with action; and slips on like the boy, determined on illusory simplicity.

The first sentence caught me immediately. ^_^

A big man in dark clothing shouts at him to stop running, but he knows he is doing nothing wrong, he is simply enjoying himself, he is a shopper, and only his mother tells him what to do. Only beauty tells him what to do.

It is the day of Aphrodite. He wants to buy his mother something beautiful. But a chill runs up his back, his head still pounds, and he knows that this day isn’t the same as the others.

Oh, I love you, Cal.

*donates all his points to the most wonderful reader and critiquer ever*

You. Totally. Rock.

*hugs* Jack, my friend, I finally found a frakking scanner.





Oh, and keep this scene. Pretty please.
Cal.

Indeed, I'm not sure whether I want to keep it yet or not. It's a scene I want to write, but right now it hasn't come out right. Thanks for the comment, Adam. I think the main problem is the lack of a proper conflict. The boy is crucial, but this probably wasn't portrayed very well.

Anyway, thanks again!

This is kinda of odd. I liked it but I didn't like where it is. I kinda dont understand why this is in this place. It's like a character sketch of the boy. Mybe he is important latere but i'm confused cause we were just about to rob a jewlry store and now were following this boy.

Just my opinion. It was still good just threw me from the main story.