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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Hey honey,
Look who finally uploaded. You know the drill, if you need clarification, please pipe up.
Ta,
Cal.
I love how perfect that works. The second sentence is so short it just fits in nicely, and there was nothing unnecessary said.
That quotation on the end, yeah.
This looks like the end of a sentence?
And, I love Ajax! I hope you weren't saying that these characters suck, too? Because these ones are great ^_^
The "once more" being done twice is annoying.
This is very creepy, and exciting and yet there is no more? I feel as if I will go cry...pout. I loved it, nonetheless. You did the little boy very well, though the last line and what he said came off odd to me. Perhaps because it has that "movie" feel to it. That's something you'd seen on TV or in a movie, but it doesn't work in words. The whole say something, name, repeat, I mean.
I loved the humor as well. And I hate you for not continuing...^^
Thanks for the critiques everyone. I randomly take a hiatus from Spirited and I missed all these lovely posts.
HOLY CRAP!
That was totally creepy! That was great. Like wow. The first guy robbing the place and then Ajax robbing the place was very cool.
It brought the other two parts together right here so i think they are fine where they are.
So cool
Oh, the last line is so enviably cool...
The one thing that I noticed in this chapter was Ajax's transformation from the steady teacher-type to a brash, impulsive warmonger. Huh? ...exactly my response.
What to do? This is rather simple to say, but harder to write- make it seemed planned, almost rehearsed, from Ajax's point of view. He needs to keep that air of confident nonchalance at all times in order for his character to be constant.
It might be a lot easier if this were a teaching experience for him, if Pythias were learning the ropes. Then you could add in all sorts of otherwise unthinkable information in the form of convincing dialouge. (Example: how does he know the man has no ammo? How does he sense that the man is really a coward?)
And, above all, make it wholly apparent in this section why the child gravitates toward him. Beside the fact that Ajax is- well, pretty awesome- he's much bigger and wields a gun. That's the stuff of nightmares for many children under the age of ten, so make sure his amiable qualities are brought out, as well as the qualities that make it apparent to the child that that's the man he's been searching for.
He doesn't need a lightning scar or a sixth finger, just something subtly unique shall do the trick.
The moment broke. the inactivity destroyed; all heads turned to fixate on the sudden actions of the flustered man.
-It sounds better if you put a full stop instead of a comma after the moment broke.
His cheeks were scarlet. The two salesmen, one behind the counter, one to the side of the man, baulked in terror.
-Instead of one to the side of the man, write the other to the side of the man, it keeps the flow better.
The red-faced man moved the gun slowly around, pointing it first at the skinny salesman and then the older salesman, until he had spun all the way round until it was aimed at the supervisor.
-Repetition. Try to use a different word lke 'one'.
The supervisor, confused by the odd request, for a moment hesitated, but the man moved forward so the barrel of the gun was inches from the supervisor’s face.
-It would sound better if you said 'the supervisor hsitated for a moment, confused by the odd request...
Apart from some things that could be improved, I think this is a very good story. Especially like the way Ajax turns from hero to villian in about thirty seeven second.