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140,727 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
I agree, the two 'slides' NEED to go. The were most annoying. But I LOVE this. Great work.
Yeh. I don't like that stanza. The first two sentences were obviously just referring to dreaming for once, and then the third, while it looks completely wrong to the former, was trying to say that people never let themselves go. "You" would hold your breath rather than breath the fresh air. Eek, the last line about Atlantis was horrible. I need to re-do this stanza. Atlantis is suppposedly underwater so it links in with the holding of your breath and chasing dreams. But that was bad.
Thanks everyone. I'll change slide as well.
i loved this. some parts didn't flow for me but this is just a stupid criticism that i am putting because i am very tired and i feel like being mean.
but i can't be because i loved this.
except for the use of slide twice. but if you fixed that, this would be very excellent.
i liked the non use of caps. a man after my own heart there.
just slide the knife under your throat
and feel the sweetness slide
downwards until your eyes go blind
jesus loves you. he's waiting.
oh my gosh tht last line made me go crazy...all these little tinglies and....lol it was amazing! The whole poem was amazing.....like, wow
Nice. very nice. Best one I've read so far today. But still, I must critique.
The first two stanza's...just...wow. I adore the imagery and the sense of almost...euphoric despair.
The other two....eh. Not so much.The first two sentences flow all right, but then the thrid sentence talks about holding your breath...after getting into the fresh air? Why? Then the last sentence in the third stanza doesn't seem to fit at all. You talk about air and clouds and breath...then Atlatis? no sense.
Last stanza, you used slide twice, one line right after the other. Find another word please. But I love that last line, even though you need to capitalize Jesus. I know you don't use any punctuation in this piece, but I think it would make some emphasis on that last point.