to me it sounded something like this...
can I f-ing get an f-ing pepsi right about f-ing now?
HA! it's a world record...well, I do have to admit we talk like that on the bus, but I don't think you want to portray a cramped coach-full of neurotic 12-year-olds. If you're going to write a piece called The Life of A School-Bus Driver, let me know and I'll help you...
Do people not swear in America or something? I was trying to portray a realistic English situation...and well....this is how people talk around me.
Yes, I read the rating, but still. For the first section, it seemed like you were playing that good ol' childhood game:
HOW MANY TIMES CAN I USE THE SAME BIT OF PROFANITY IN A SENTENCE UNTIL EVERYBODY GETS SICK OF IT AND VOTES YOU OFF THE ISLAND?
Oh, the good old days...
Yeah, you might want someone older's opinion, but that's what I thought.
As for the second section...
I enjoyed it, but the point of view was messed up. Example:
'Kayle caresses the edges that appear slightly serated, but to the touch are smooth and cool. Is it sad that I am attempting to relate to a plant?'
Are you (the writer) supposed to be the immortal, insanely annoying narrator that picks at people's every move? If not, you may want to go through the section and pick out the awkward spots like these.
However, I like stuff that's written in first person, happening-right-now kinds of things. It's fun, ain't it?
But Kayle's a writer...I think we're all slightly biased about him, don't you think?
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