z

Young Writers Society



why do we do it to ourselves?

by Firestarter



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
665 Reviews


Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Fri Jul 08, 2005 1:30 pm
Chevy says...



A little lengthy and in a strange way kind of boring. However, it had a good point. Finally, something I understand.




User avatar
488 Reviews


Points: 3941
Reviews: 488

Donate
Thu Jul 07, 2005 8:25 pm
Meshugenah wrote a review...



good question, why do we.

i agree with Sarah, last line of the 4th stanza seems rather long.

I don't really like the last line of the first stanza, it doesn't feel quite right to me..

Love the 4th line of the secondstanza ;)

First line of the 3rd stanza, did you mean here?

I also agree that the last line is a bit lackluster (er, lacklustre, as Jack has informed me it should be spelled)




User avatar
137 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 137

Donate
Thu Jul 07, 2005 5:13 pm
DarkerSarah wrote a review...



This is very, very good. The only thing I had a problem with is the last sentence. All the other stanzas seemed very strong to me, and that ending was just a tad weak. I didn't think it related to the rest of the poem very well.

across a crowded room filled with the smell
of teenage hormones and suicide attempts


I loved those lines. They were a little awkward sounding, but I think that worked in favor of this piece, because it's obvious that this love, or whatever you might call it, is a little bit awkward.

and war and politicians and everything we should never have seen on tv.


This line is a little long, but it sounds fine. You might want to break it up or maybe take out an "and" to make it read more smoothly.

I always enjoy reading your poetry, and I think this is one of my favorites.

-Sarah [/quote]





The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star