Young Writers Society

Thanks both.

I'll consider what you pointed out Xan (sorry, I make up random nicknames for people). Yeh I'll probably remove that stanza at a further draft or point in time. It worked in my head and just didn't transfer to paper. I'll find another way of saying what I mean.

I also have to add - that "bullet holes in their capillary walls" line isn't entirely my line, since I ripped it off The Clash from Spanish Bombs - "Bullet holes in the cemetery walls." It was just a play on that.

parts i didn't like:

Showing in your eyes was all the pain and denial

Degeneration is replaced with exhilaration
is replaced with degredation is replaced with
electrification is replaced with dejection ...

the iridescence of your butterfly wings
would shine again;

nice I especially like this bit:

Did you hear the cries of the severed ones,
who left a trail of blood when they left the road,
taking the wrong exit and using the wrong gear.