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140,910 Literary Works • 673,729 Reviews
Thanks both.
I'll consider what you pointed out Xan (sorry, I make up random nicknames for people). Yeh I'll probably remove that stanza at a further draft or point in time. It worked in my head and just didn't transfer to paper. I'll find another way of saying what I mean.
I also have to add - that "bullet holes in their capillary walls" line isn't entirely my line, since I ripped it off The Clash from Spanish Bombs - "Bullet holes in the cemetery walls." It was just a play on that.
parts i didn't like:
--this didn't exactly fit with the lines around it.
--i understood the point, but it lacked effect after the second line dragged into the third and it just became annoying.
--i usually wouldn't be so harsh, espicially since this part is beautiful, but i feel that it doesn't tie into the poem well. still, don't cut it out - it's far too striking.
the ending was fabulous, the title catchy and the beginning held me under a complete arrest of interest. in fact, the entire idea of bullet holes in capillary walls gives me shivers.
nice
I especially like this bit:
Did you hear the cries of the severed ones,
who left a trail of blood when they left the road,
taking the wrong exit and using the wrong gear.