Young Writers Society

Again, like with your other poem, forget the language. It's a great poem! I like the style...that was lame, but oh well, I can't find anything else to critique on.

Thank you.

I'll do your suggestions....I didn't like nstanza 4 either. I couldn't convey it in the way I wanted to.

*Edit - Removed Stanza 4, did some changes to Stanza 3. Let me know what you think.

Nothing but misconstrued directions
we struggle to keep hold
the fantasisies of insecure individuals
wishing for lifes of gold
"But dreams are what drives us,"
they say with buoyancy
those self-doubting know-it-alls
(if they exist)
are fools.

This is a great opening stanza, I really liked it. I think in the quote, though, that "drives" should be "drive."

Psychadelic pre-teens look
in that crystal ball
and see themselves dead
lying in a gutter
a can rolling from their hand
needle reverberating close by.
So much for dreams.

Oooh. Pretty-like. Get rid of the last line, here. "So much for dreams." I got that through the rest of the stanza. Other than that, great work.

The grammar school posh
with their books
and so-called cleverness
little do they know
of the real world
and the witch-burners.
Intelligence scares them.

This stanza lost the momentum of the first two, but the last line attempts to bring back your original point. I like the last line, too.

The ever-hoping human
who wishes nothing more
than success in their chosen
(or perhaps not)
talent.
Let them find out about
the millions
better than them.

I'm sorry, I don't know about this stanza. Maybe you should omit it? Also, the first sentence of this stanza doesn't have an action, it's like saying "Unlike most school children's dreams." and ending it like that. Perhaps adding something will make this stanza a much better one.

I reply
"Dreams are what destroy us."
And walk away
murmuring,
Fuck you.
I don't need your media-inspired bullshit,
thanks.

I loved this ending. I'm not in accord with it, but it's very powerful and impacting.

Overall, I liked the poem, and only had minor suggestions. I've read some of your other stuff, too, but I think this is one of the best poems I've read by you. You did a great job with this.