Gamma Ray (1)

I was kind of hesitant to write a review for this (that is, before you posted on my critique list) because, well, I tend to get pretty in-depth with critiquing. And right now you are still in the stages of writing this out for the first time, and because it's so rare that you start writing something, I don't want you to get caught up with fiddling and tweaking this installment. I want you to keep writing. [s]Partly for my own selfish reasons of wanting to see where the zombies and Nazis come into this.[/s]

So, you know — by all means revise this, but at the stage you're at, writing it all out for the first time > editing the bits that you've written. And if you don't keep writing this, I will be grouchy. Consider yourself warned.

I think the problem with the beginning is that you have a fantastic hook of an opener, but you never quite use it to reel in the audience (er, this fishing metaphor is silly). Which is to say, the first line is awesome and direct and interesting, but then the subsequent paragraphs kind of meander and lose focus almost instantly. I hope that makes sense; if not, I can expand and clarify with specific examples.

Okay. Onto the story.

He contemplated what an idiot he was as he rested his head in his hand.

This is kind of an awkwardly phrased sentence, especially because "contemplated" is a hard word to work smoothly into a sentence. I'd much rather, "What an idiot he was. He rested his head in his hand." Or a synonym for "contemplated", or even some variant of, "He cursed himself."

I'm not a huge fan of the use of "as" in this sentence, either, which is why I wouldn't mind, "What an idiot he was. He rested his head in his hand." The sentence just doesn't work the way it is right now, mostly because a word like "as" (or even "and" or "while") doesn't do a very good job of linking the two actions, partly because there's easier, slightly less wordy ways to phrase it. Like: "Resting his head in his hand, he contemplated his idiocy."

Breathing slowly, he tapped the button on his armrest for assistance.

I'm pointing this sentence out right now because his hand was previously being occupied with his head. And in this particular sentence, I just assumed that he was using that hand to press the button and summon the waitress, thereby moving out of that position. But then, later, you go, "without removing his face from his hand", suggesting that it's been there this entire time. I know he could've used his other hand, the unmentioned one, but I had to go back and re-read the first few paragraphs to make sure I wasn't imagining things.

It's a minor nitpick, I know, but I think the thing that threw me off was that in the above sentence, the sentence I put in the quote, we don't really have a sense that Luke's still got his head in his hand. I'd expect that instead of tapping the button, he'd grope around blindly for it. Again, it's minor, but it still threw me out of the story for half a second.

Luckily, His brother had bought him first-class tickets, and it was quiet and relaxing in the front of the plane. The seat next to him vacant and very few other passengers had boarded.

As someone else pointed out, "His" shouldn't be capitalized and you need to throw a "was" before the "vacant".

The other thing is that this description. It's, well, bland. I happen to know "quiet and relaxing" doesn't quite cover the gamut of your linguistic capabilities and I suspect you can find better ways to describe the quiet and relaxing in less obvious, less plain words. Ditto the second sentence, which is just kind of blah. If it's a necessary description, at least make it shorter. "The seat next to him [was] vacant. First-class was almost empty." Or something similar.

A brunette stewardess with cherry red lips and a white smile approached and leant down.

(1) How is he seeing this with his face in his hand? Especially if it's the "man-oh-man-I-shouldn't-have-had-that-last-shot" facepalm and not an "I'm-that-Auguste-Rodin-statue" chin-in-hand.

(2) The "white smile" threw me off, particularly in conjunction with the "cherry red lips". I assume you mean it was a toothy smile; when I think "white smile", I immediately default to "white lips", even if it doesn't make sense. (As opposed to a "white grin", which makes more sense because a grin is toothy anyway, whereas smiles are more about lips.) I would definitely encourage rephrasing that.

(3) I had no idea "leant" was an acceptable version of "leaned"! It's especially surprising because Canadianisms are pretty much identical to Britishisms. I had to check that word to make sure it existed. Now my mind is reeling. Whoa.

Her voice was laced with patronisation.

I think it might be helpful to have your quick physical description of her include some hint of her patronisation; if only because it doesn't reveal any kind of condescension whatsoever. Even if it's a quirked eyebrow or a mocking look or a smile stretched too wide. The way it reads right now, we readers have to readjust our image of her as bright-smiley-stewardess with a hint of unpleasantness. And it's a little jarring. Unless you want the patronisation to be a bit jarring. In which case I would still suggest doing including something about the way it's jarring, such as, "Her voice was laced with patronisation. Her smile didn't budge an inch." Or, you know, something along similar lines.

In his imagination his brother’s house would be a ridiculous size, with a basketball court, a cinema room, and wide, cosy beds.

There has to be a stronger, more specific descriptor than "ridiculous size".

The negative was that Patrick had banned any alcohol, drugs or cigarettes while Luke stayed, so it would be a tough few weeks.

"Stayed" = "was staying".

Instantly the red seatbelt lights flicked on and the intercom crackled open.

Intercoms don't "open"; "the intercom crackled" makes more sense.

“Apologies, ladies and gentleman, we are experiencing some unexpected turbulence. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.” The pilot could not hide his shock in his announcement.

I definitely second (or third, or whatever) whatever Sureal / Jared said about his words not containing any hint of shock. Some "ers" or "ahs" or "ums" might do the trick, or just stumbling on his words in general, or repeating things.

The stewardess that fetched him the water let out a small squeal as she fell from her feet and landed awkwardly on the ground near to Luke.

You don't need the "that fetched him the water" descriptor, since (up until this moment) there haven't been any other stewardesses for the character to distinguish between.

You also don't really need "from her feet" because it's kind of implicit that she's falling from her seat. Ditto the "on the ground". You could also definitely cut out the "to" before "Luke" to make it a little less awkward.

Too frantic and frightened to help her and only thinking of himself, he concentrated on his belt difficulty as s another stewardess came over.

The "s" before "another" should be an "a".

With fearful quick breaths Luke managed to tighten the seatbelt.

There should be a comma after "breaths".

The sweat fell liberally from his skin.

There are definitely more descriptive ways to say "fell liberally", especially for something like sweat (or moisture) in general. "Dripped", "poured", soaked his clothes", anything that is a little more vivid than what you have now.

In his head he was drowning at the bottom of the sea.

In his head he was dying.

I like this. It has just the right amount of panic and oomph in it. Lovely.

Prior to these two sentences though, you don't quite get the sense of panic that you need to be getting in a plane crash. I'm just going to quote the entire thing you can see it:

The whole plane shook like a rollercoaster. Wobbling and lurching and swaying. Luke felt the tears form in his eyes as he panicked and struggled to get his shaking hands to fix the seatbelt in. The aircraft hit another invisible bump in the sky and jerked upwards. The stewardess that fetched him the water let out a small squeal as she fell from her feet and landed awkwardly on the ground near to Luke. Too frantic and frightened to help her and only thinking of himself, he concentrated on his belt difficulty as s another stewardess came over. But the inside of the plane was erupting like a volcano and there was no chance of anyone doing anything. With fearful quick breaths Luke managed to tighten the seatbelt. The sweat fell liberally from his skin.

You say that Luke is "only thinking of himself", but you stop to describe the plight of not only the first stewardess, but also the bit about the second stewardess. I find it difficult to believe that Luke would've noticed any of this, amidst his panic at the plane crash and his fear of water and his pseudo-drunkenness all combining unpleasantly. If anything, I buy that he hears muffled noises in the background or people squealing as they try to grab hold of anything, but you say that Luke is focusing on himself and himself alone and I want that to happen in the narrative itself. I want to hear about him, just him: his shallow breaths, his shaking hands, his stomach rocking, every jolt of the airplane sending him a little closer to hysteria. I only want to read it in the context of Luke; every time the plane rocks or jolts or bumps, I want to know about it, but only so that I can find out how Luke is reacting directly after that. I don't want to know about anyone or anything else, except as Luke sees or hears them, or even as a distant noise in the background.

So: more panic, more Luke, less stewardess.

(Also, when you say "the inside of a plane is erupting like a volcano" — do you mean it's overheating, or everyone is running amok, or something else entirely?)

Outside the previously bright day had turned into a thunderstorm.

You don't need "previously"; it just bogs your sentence down a little bit more.

The image was so visceral and horrifying he began to scream.

You don't need to say that the image was so visceral and horrifying because, having just read all about the imagine, I know that it's visceral and horrifying. It's a little redundant and also kind of drags down the momentum you're beginning to build. I'd much rather that you nix the first half of the sentence and just go, "He began to scream."

Out of nowhere his vacant seat was filled. A smiling woman, with fiery red hair, naked, skin as pale as a winter morning, was unexpectedly in the adjacent seat. Unperturbed by the shaking plane she looked deep in Luke’s eyes and looked as happy and calm as anyone Luke had ever seen in his life.

There should be a comma after "nowhere" and "plane".

Also, where is Luke in all of this? Is he still panicking? Does he flip his noodles when he sees her? Does he calm down? Does he panic and then calm down? Again, everything kind of needs to relate back to Luke — or at least, we kind of need to know how Luke is doing through every moment of this, because half of it is the panic of the plane crashing but half of it is also psychological, and his brain just kind of exploding as a result of everything that's going on.

And then she was gone as quickly as she had arrived, and the plane began to dive downwards and downwards, and he screamed, and the side of the plane groaned with pain, and he was thrown forwards so hard he smashed his head and the world turned black and cold.

Holy run-on, Batman! I'm always game for run-ons and I am always guilty of overusing "and", but I definitely think you need to break this one up just a little more. Just because the reader needs to take a breath somewhere (even a mental breath) and this sentence just gets really long and hopelessly tangly after a certain point. Long and tangly is fine and good, but once it's hopelessly tangled, it gets kind of confusing and a bit hard to read.

Also, sandwiching a short sentence or two somewhere in the middle of run-ons would definitely help give this more punch. Something like, "And then she was gone as quickly as she had arrived, and the plane began to dive downwards and downwards. He screamed. And the side of the plane groaned in pain, and he was thrown forwards so hard he smashed his head. The world turned black and cold."

As it is right now, though, it's lost the power of a run-on and needs something a little more.

Let’s go Jacob.

Comma after Jacob.

Let’s go Jacob. Let’s get the boat. Let’s sneak out. Mum and Dad will never know. They’re sleeping. Let’s get the boat and sail it out onto the big big sea and maybe we’ll see something cool. Don’t be a wuss, Jakie baby. Don’t be a baby.

I love this stream of consciousness / pseudo-dialogue. Fantastic.

Luke would have nothing of it, and grabbed Jacob by the arm and together they broke free into the cold, cold breeze of the night, towards the coast and the beach.

Again, run-on sentence of doom. I would suggest cutting one sentence at "grabbed Jacob by the arm." You can keep the "And" at the beginning of the next sentence, too, if you like.

He was like a bird when they united the painter and pulled a gingerly Jacob onto the boat.

How is he like a bird? It's unclear here.

Also, unless you mean "gingerly" as in, "red-head", it's used incorrectly here. You could go with "cautious" or "timid" or something of the sort, or he could gingerly pull Jacob in, but it doesn't work in the way that you have it right now.

The breeze became a wind and as they exited the bay he stood as the waves lapped around the sides of the boat.

I would definitely encourage replacing "exited" with a more apt verb (especially a more apt boat-themed verb).

The waves became angry and raged at the boat.

"Angry" and "raged" is a tad bit redundant. If you had to keep one or the other, I would suggest keeping the "raged at the boat" and cut out the "became angry" bit.

Water crept into the boat more and more, making puddles.

This sentence is preceded by the "the waves became angry" sentence; given that context, it doesn't really suit the water to "creep into the boat more and more", since we've already established that it's angry. And, well, creeping isn't a verb that is evocative of anger. Even "water splashed into the boat" sounds more rage-tacular.

Luke, enraptured in his own glorious feeling, took no notice.

"Enraptured in" should be "enraptured by".

Jacob hid his face into his pyjamas and didn’t dare to look as Luke laughed hysterically at every greater obstacle.

You don't really need the "didn't dare look up" bit, because his face buried in his pyjamas implies that he doesn't plan on looking anytime soon. Also, "laughed hysterically" is another instance of needing a better, more descriptive verb. There are about a gazillion and a half synonyms for "laughed", each more vivid, and there are definitely replacements that capture the image of hysterical laughter better than the words "laughed hysterically" do.

And then, as one skyscraper wave smashed down on the boat, they plunged into the water like stones. In the sky the clouds grumbled and flashed with energy.

There should be a comma after "sky". Also, the placement of the sentences as they are right now is jarring. This story is pretty much entirely from Luke's POV; to describe the sky after both characters are plunged underwater, when too consumed by their water-troubles to notice the sky and the clouds — the second sentence breaks the spell of the story. I'd suggest rearranging them so the second sentence goes first, so you mention the sky before they are dumped underwater and can no longer see it / aren't paying it any attention.

Luke was mouthing a thousand apologies as the waves threw them up and down like playthings.

"Was mouthing" should be "mouthed".

Barely managing to keep his head above the huge, frothy waves, he could see nothing in the blackness.

Is this Luke or Jake? Jacob is the last one mentioned but Luke is the POV through which the story is told, so I'd suggest that you specify the "he" as one of them.

Reality and the present returned with a bitter taste in his mouth.

You don't need "reality" and "the present" — I'd suggest keeping one or the other — otherwise the sentence is a little unnecessary lumbering. "The present" has my vote.

then all at once the pain all over his body reported to his brain.

Love!

he thunderstorm was gone, and he wondered whether any of it happened, and what was real.

You don't really need the extra "and" after "happened" — it just bogs the sentence down unnecessarily.

And then the fear raced through his body, and he scrambled up and moved swiftly away from the sea that was rushing in at his legs.

Another instance of using a vague verb and a less-vague adverb: "moved swiftly". You can definitely find a synonym for "moved" that covers both the idea of movement and the speed.

He felt so tired he could barely stand so he dropped to the ground once more, swiping away a piece of rusted metal to find an empty place to collapse.

There should be a comma after "stand".

Dented and knocked to the right, there was a very old welcome sign.

A very minor nitpick, but a "welcome sign"? It's not quite a welcome sign if there are threats of shooting. Unless this is meant to be ironic, which doesn't really come across here.

Port Meadow. Restricted Property. Trespassers Will Be Shot.

Awesome. This is a fantastic way to end this installment (chapter?).

* * *

Okay, so a couple of closing notes:

I'm sure you noticed me point your verbs out twenty million different times; a lot of times you slip into using broad, vague verbs and pairing them with an adverb that describes the action, but not particularly well. Again, I know you're capable of being more specific and vivid than that, so hopefully you'll keep an eye out for it the further you go in the story.

I've already talked about the beginning, and how and why I feel it kind of disintegrates; I think another really noticeable problem is that the narrative relies on a lot of crutch devices to keep it moving. You use "and then" a bunch of times, and you use it when something really dramatic happens. I honestly think it kind of cripples the story. You also use a lot of the same sentence structure:

Since he was six years old, Luke had been terrified of the open water.

Breathing slowly, he tapped the button on his armrest for assistance.

Without removing his face from his hand, he muttered, “Glass of water.”

Half a minute later, he enjoyed the cool liquid slipping down the back of his throat.

You use that specific sentence structure often enough, sometimes in consecutive sentences, and it starts to stick out like a sore thumb. It also messes with the overall flow of the story. I suspect it's kind of telling that the two strongest parts of the story — the flashback and the end — don't really employ that sentence structure. And they're all the more powerful for it.

And despite the epic length of this crit, I had heaps of fun reading this and I'm THRILLED that you're writing again (and writing about awesome things, no less)! When you are on a roll, you are on a roll, and it definitely shows in your writing. I am really looking forward to you writing more / reading more of this.

If you need me to clarify anything or expand on an idea or accept a bribe of cookies, feel free to PM me. Good luck! I better see more.

Yo Jack. ^_^

Luckily, His brother had bought him first-class tickets, and it was quiet and relaxing in the front of the plane.

Unless Luke happens to be God, methinks this shouldn’t be capitalised.

The seat next to him vacant and very few other passengers had boarded.

This feels off. Are you missing a ‘was’ before ‘vacant’?

“Apologies, ladies and gentleman, we are experiencing some unexpected turbulence. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.” The pilot could not hide his shock in his announcement.

Maybe I’m just being nicky-picky, but I don’t really feel the shock in the pilot’s dialogue, even though you tell us it’s there. It’s like there’s a gap between what you’re showing us and what you’re telling us: the dialogue reads calm, but then you tell us that it’s actually shocked.

Too frantic and frightened to help her and only thinking of himself, he concentrated on his belt difficulty as s another stewardess came over.

A stray ‘s’.



Not a lot more to say, really. Very good opening, in my opinion. As always, I like your writing style.

And I read in your blog that this story is going to include zombies, Nazis and the SBS. I see no conceivable way it can not be amazing.

Luckily, His brother had bought him first-class tickets,

Fix that.

The pilot could not hide his shock in his announcement.

No, I don't like this sentence very much. It sounds weird, and it's telling us. You should be able to show us through his speech. Or, if you have to, say, "his voice sounded edgy" or something to that effect.

So, I liked this. It wasn't the best, but it was pretty good. Exciting, at some points also. I especially liked the little twist at the end.

Anyway, I have to leave shortly, so I'll make this brief. I want to see more of the MC before the crash. I want to see what he's like. Because if this were a novel in the library and I picked it up, I'd probably set it down right here because I don't really care for Luke at the moment. But I feel with a little more background in the beginning, I'll be able to care for him, and want to keep reading. Personalize him a bit more. Have him reach through a bag he's carrying with him, and mention some of the things that he has with him. It's said that you can tell a lot of things about a person if you look through their bag/purse.

So I have to go. I liked this, and hope you continue it! Thanks for the critique on my poem.

-Jared