Young Writers Society

I really like the tone of this. However, I feel as if it could still be achieved without some of the adjectives you used such as:

Tormented by the winter chill, a scattered skeleton

the winter chill, a scattered skeleton

I used to live here, under the cobwebs,

just to the left of the spiritless staircase, inbetween the corpses

and above the broken, mangled mess of a bed.

I used to live here, under cobwebs,

just left of the spiritless staircase, inbetween corpses

and above the broken, mangled mess of a bed.

Hey Jack! A few particulars first:

that hides its bones in the rooms where collisions used to happen,

when the music played notes that shattered hearts,

holding lovers like the world is about to fall apart.

sounds you hear are the planes flying above, carrying

Hey Jack,

Perhaps for the last few lines to make sense, something like:

"It is colder now that it has ever been: stale, lukewarm, (I think a colon makes more sense here; the second clause explains and expands on the first)
the warmth divorced by the departed. These days the only
sounds you hear are the ghosts of planes flying above,
as they carry newborns to fresh homes, split couples,
discard their bones about the globe, insensitive
to all their enduring collections so far below."

Otherwise I'd just like to echo the sentiments of everyone else. Your technical skill is superb and you write with genuine flair. A near masterpiece!

Well done!



Gahks

9.5/10

I'm going to agree with Brad's main points, here: starting with "Echo of sunshine" and the tenuous relationship of the final lines to the earlier ones.

But, as usual, you write beautiful words and I want to appreciate them simply for being, rather than making them better.

Thanks everyone.

Brad, I agree the problem is with connecting the last lines to what comes before, they are definitely the weakest and most disconnected from the overall theme. I'm not happy with them.

Also, for some reason I always think "in between" is one word. Thanks for the other spot Jiggy.

Firestarter wrote:Tormented by the winter chill, a scattered skeleton
that hides its bones in the rooms where collisions used to happen,
when the music played notes that shattered hearts,
digs graves in the places where lives lost their way.
The echo of sunshine plays havoc with tattered dreams;
it is the dust and the darkness that cradle pain
like children. I used to live here, under the cobwebs,
just to the left of the spiritless staircase, inbetween the corpses
and above the broken, mangled mess of a bed.
In old photographs you can catch a glimpse of me
holding lovers like the world is about to fall apart.
It is colder now that it has ever been; stale, lukewarm,
the warmth divorced by the departed. These days the only
sounds you hear are the planes flying above, carrying
newborns to fresh homes, splitting couples,
discarding them about the globe, insensitive
to all their enduring collections so far below.

Jack,


I would start the poem at "The echo of sunshine..." If you're writing about grief, don't start or end in the abstract - the nature of grief is personal, and each of us comes to it in our own way.

The major problem you face is that the final lines have only a tenuous relationship with what's come before. If you can't connect narrator (the ghost of the narrator?) with the planes and split couples and newborns (and it seems you don't attempt to do so), then the poem is dead and isn't worth revising.

On a positive note, your poem does set up a tone and maintains it well throughout; I think the best thing here is the wonderful phrase "warmth divorced by the departed" which displays an excellent control of sonics and rhythm.


Take care,
Brad

Yeppers, I'm in agreement with McChimpy. This was great. There was something aside from "inbetween" though:

It is colder now that it has ever been; stale, lukewarm,

that hides its bones in the rooms where collisions used to happen,

it is the dust and the darkness that cradle pain

like children.

You don't disappoint Jack. I found this to be well-written, and your imagery & tone is excellent.

The poem comes across as melancholy and wistful. The speaker is captured well, and the setting is well laid out. The poem is dramatic without being melodramatic. The only mistake in as far as I can tell is "inbetween" in the eighth line.