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140,907 Literary Works • 673,721 Reviews
I really like the tone of this. However, I feel as if it could still be achieved without some of the adjectives you used such as:
Could be something like...
Also, I think some of the "the"s and "of the"s could be removed such as:
It could be...
I don't know, just some ideas. Once again, great tone, you really capture the emotion.
Hey Jack! A few particulars first:
[I'm in agreement that this line is a little out. I'd suggest exchanging happen with occur and removing 'the'.][I think this line may work better in brackets?]
[And this one here too. It feels a little wordy, I'd suggest: 'holding lovers like the world might fall apart']
[This is a momentous, rather essential line but it's a little drab in its presentation. I'd like to see something bolder, maybe you could change 'flying above' to something a little more dismal sounding, a little darker.]
This is good, Jack. But I would suggest altering that beginning somehow so that it leads more fluently to the end (which I love by the way). You're a little wordy at times and it might help to fragment it a little and I'd love to see a firmer building of atmosphere: that middle section has some superb imagery and it would be great if you could step up the beginning a little. Experiment with something more unusual than bones and shattered hearts.
The end is great in the sense of the thoughts it portrays but that's another place the images could be stronger by just altering a word or two here and there.
Good tone and great topic, could maybe do with a little more thinking but excellent writing! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful,
Heather xx
Hey Jack,
Perhaps for the last few lines to make sense, something like:
"It is colder now that it has ever been: stale, lukewarm, (I think a colon makes more sense here; the second clause explains and expands on the first)
the warmth divorced by the departed. These days the only
sounds you hear are the ghosts of planes flying above,
as they carry newborns to fresh homes, split couples,
discard their bones about the globe, insensitive
to all their enduring collections so far below."
Otherwise I'd just like to echo the sentiments of everyone else. Your technical skill is superb and you write with genuine flair. A near masterpiece!
Well done!
Gahks
9.5/10
I'm going to agree with Brad's main points, here: starting with "Echo of sunshine" and the tenuous relationship of the final lines to the earlier ones.
But, as usual, you write beautiful words and I want to appreciate them simply for being, rather than making them better.
Thanks everyone.
Brad, I agree the problem is with connecting the last lines to what comes before, they are definitely the weakest and most disconnected from the overall theme. I'm not happy with them.
Also, for some reason I always think "in between" is one word. Thanks for the other spot Jiggy.
The words in bold are "what I like".... absolutely perfect. I love your adjectives that are tight with nouns, they're perfectly describing words that you wrote. Sorry I didn't write a critique, but I can't find mistake(I'm not that good yet).
Someone(I can't remember who) said that job of a poet is to impress the reader. You sure did your job.
Jack,
I would start the poem at "The echo of sunshine..." If you're writing about grief, don't start or end in the abstract - the nature of grief is personal, and each of us comes to it in our own way.
The major problem you face is that the final lines have only a tenuous relationship with what's come before. If you can't connect narrator (the ghost of the narrator?) with the planes and split couples and newborns (and it seems you don't attempt to do so), then the poem is dead and isn't worth revising.
On a positive note, your poem does set up a tone and maintains it well throughout; I think the best thing here is the wonderful phrase "warmth divorced by the departed" which displays an excellent control of sonics and rhythm.
Take care,
Brad
Yeppers, I'm in agreement with McChimpy. This was great. There was something aside from "inbetween" though:
than it has ever been.
This is the only line I got caught up on and had to reread a few times. Specifically "used to happen" throws off the rhythm. Not sure why, but I suggest you revise it, maybe "once occurred?" Something along those lines, it just feels like there's one word too many.
Don't know what it is about this line, but its my favourite :p
Cheers
You don't disappoint Jack. I found this to be well-written, and your imagery & tone is excellent.
The poem comes across as melancholy and wistful. The speaker is captured well, and the setting is well laid out. The poem is dramatic without being melodramatic. The only mistake in as far as I can tell is "inbetween" in the eighth line.