Young Writers Society

Good!

The major things were that you skipped tenses here:

Firestarter wrote:It was a massive horse, seventeen hands high, strong, proud, and it can run like a demon unleashed from hell.

Firestarter wrote:Before dawn he had given it a run, and the blood had pumped in his cheeks as it soared across the ground gracefully.

Firestarter wrote:“Move the battalion straight up the pass, smash into the French, catch them unawares, and give them a bloody nose!”

I couldn't find anything wrong with it... That sounds slightly cynical. Very fascinating part of history. You might enjoy a book by George Orwell, I might have got his name wrong. But the author of A Clockwork Orange (a famous book you may have read) also wrote a very good Napoleonic novel.

This is very interesting. I think Napoleanic Historical Fiction is an uncommon subject among younger writers, so it is impressive that you know enough about the Napoleanic times so write a convincing story. It grasped my attention, and the grammar is very good; I can't wait to read more.

this is good, and i also like napoleonic's, my ADV World History class finished those a while ago, but they are really interesting

I'll be sure to check them out.

Thanks for reading. The rest of them are on like ... the back of the Other Fiction. Like page 18 or something lol. Posted them a long time ago. Just thought I'd move this one in here to give the Historical Fiction section something.

and it can run like a demon unleashed from hell -- I don't think "can" is the correct word here, if you change it to "could" then it reads better.

it soared across the ground gracefully -- No not soared, I thought of a bird flying around when I read this. How about using "galloped" instead?

such a plan would only spell disaster for the battalion and it’s men -- Incorrect: it's, correct: its.

It was probable men would have to use their hands to assist them in climbing up -- It was probable men who would have to use their hands to assist them in climbing.

The light company were spread out in front -- Is this just one group? If so then "were" should be replaced by "was".

The grass was longer too, sometimes half way up to a man’s knee, and it looked like a flowing sea of hair, waving slightly. -- I love this description, it's just the way I can imagine the grass.

I don't know where the rest of the story is but I'd like to read it as you have already introduced the characters and I have no idea who James is.
I'm interested in finding out how the redcoats do.

-- Niobe.

Someone read it for once! LOL I think you did a great job although I haven't read any of the other chapters. Maybe later...for now I'm just crit, or trying to, this story. I did like how you wrote it and your view on the subject. I think the horse's names should be in italics...just do for some reason. Great work...can't wait to read more!

No problem.

Oh, and Sam, I like in italics for now But thanks for the hard-thought out critique

sry about the manuever thing, i got into a big discussion with my boyfriend on how to spell it, he's from Islington and he really sucks at spelling, so I didn't know.

oh its one battalion, yeah that part was a bit hazy.

cheers CL

Don't put the horse's name in italics...it's not a boat, for God's sake.

Sorry I wasn't here earlier! Internet troubles.

Wow, thanks!

I agree with most things you have noted except:

4. The light company were spread out... -- i do believe there is more than one light company, so it should be light companies

7. manoeuvre -- i do believe is maneuver

BRAVO! I adore Napoleanic stuff and this is by far one of the best unpublished stories I have on the time period. Sorry I haven't reply to any of the other chapters, couldn't think of much to say.

a few things I found that might be of interest...


1. But today wasn’t about horses. It was about beating the French, and from what Lake could see, he believed they were doing it the wrong way. -- i love this line

2. he had fumed to Major Way, his usual outlet of anger. -- i think there is some verb confusion here with the had. is he fuming at Major Way or did he previously do it. I think taking the had out would make it better.

3. But in the same way, he was a meek man, -- the 'but in the same way' seems ackward, it think its the 'same'. you might want to try revising it somehow

4. The light company were spread out... -- i do believe there is more than one light company, so it should be light companies

5. It wouldn’t leave them; coming in physical form -- in this part of the story you go from talking about James (singular) to the plural, them. you need to explain that either 'it wouldn't leave him' or that 'they' felt fright. something like that.

6. 17th August 1808 -- i think there should be an 'of' between 17th and august and a comma before 1808 17th of August, 1808

7. manoeuvre -- i do believe is maneuver

8. Swinging and wheeling round, the blue ranks high above the British, they began to point their muskets down into the gully. -- very choppy sentance, doesn't sound quite right, maybe -- Swinging and wheeling around their blue ranks high above the British began to point their muskets down into the gully.

9. As they marched solemnly upwards -- you go from talking about the French firing to the British moving up the slope, you might want to specify on the 'they'. it's ambiguous here.

10. On any other day it would be a picturesque place for picnic or a morning walk. -- i really like how you juxtapose the suitation of the battle with the last paragraph ending with such a great line.

BRAVO again...I do hope to be reading more. Eh, I read it didn't I!

cheers CL