Young Writers Society

This is the first piece I've read in a while where I've had to really dig for errors ... and then I read through everyone elses critiques and they got most of them. *sulks*

The eyelids of the rider switched between closed and open, slowly falling down before quickly rising coupled with a swift shake of the head.

This was really good. At first I was unsure but it wasn't too long or too short for a prologue. I was very interested with the intent of the rider, and what was in that little pouch. It's kind of vague but like you said that's not a bad thing. I can't wait to read more.

I owe you several proper critiques, I think (sun prophet, too). Hope you like nitpicks

The horse’s steps on the icy ground were like steps counting towards impending doom. Its rider was exhausted from the lengthy ride, and had not eaten, drunk or slept for nigh on three days and nights. He was only half-slumped in the saddle, his body imbalanced and starting to slide down the right side of the horse, towards the snow-covered floor of the forest. Breath from both animal and human immediately turned into smoke-like clouds, before dispersing into the rest of the freezing air. The eyelids of the rider switched I don't care for switched here, it doesn't sound right between closed and open, slowly falling down before quickly rising coupled with a swift shake of the head. The man, despite being half-asleep, kept one hand tight on the rein and the other checking and feeling for a brown pouch perpetually don't really care for the way you worded this last pary, with the adverb at the end, and checking and feeling seem redundant, as if he was worried it would be taken from him at any second, even though there had been no signs of pursuits for a couple of days.

He shivered, removing the hands from the pouch attached to the side of the saddle and instead preferring to rub his chest and shoulders vigorously in a futile attempt to get warm what was that last part? how about .. and insetead rubed his chest... The old blanket draped messily around his shoulders was covered in small bits of frost and his skin was a pale white and blue, the blood hidden deep down. The few parts of him that still displayed any signs of warmth were his ears and nose, both defiant against the onslaught of winter by illuminating themselves a bold red. He sniffed slightly, and rubbed underneath his nostrils at irritated skin, his rough woollen gloves attempting to relieve them. Brown curls tangled their way outside the bottom of hat, some dropping into his eyes, which he casually patted away every now and then.

The forest was an area of utter calm and tranquility, the very embodiment of stillness. Nothing moved except the tired horse and its battered rider, pacing themselves through the frozen undergrowth and navigating through the tall, thin trunks of the trees that, in their dark brown state, were the only relief of colour from the indefatigable whiteness of late winter. The only sounds that pierced the veil of serenity were the periodic crunches of horseshoe upon ice-covered ground, and the short sniffing of the rider.

He shivered again, but this time slower, and with less energy than before. His muscles had begun to resist his efforts to exercise, suffering from lack of heat and genuine fatigue. They seized up when he wanted them to work, and eventually he gave up trying to move them properly and fell back into his almost hibernating state on the back of the horse. The inside of his thighs were painfully swollen from too much riding and he half expected to fall off onto the cold ground and drop to some deserved rest. But he held on for a little longer. What was held inside the pouch was of dire importance and couldn’t fall into the wrong hands. Just a little further and he could pass it on safely.

The air stopped being so still. A westerly breeze began to cut through the protection of the trees and struck against the rider and his poor horse, biting into their skin and delivering further unneeded discomfort. It blew seemingly through his clothes, ignoring them and making his body automatically attempt to shiver. But there was little liveliness left, and the man had to grin and bear it. He grimaced, pushing his teeth hard against each other and forced himself through the pain.

The horse was slowing too. It had begun to shake it’s head every so often, and it’s breathing had slowed severely, similar to its rider. The man inhaled and exhaled deeply and slowly, and his neck seemed to be unable to carry the weight of his head anymore, letting it slump down onto his shoulder lazily. His heartbeat had fallen to dangerous levels, only beating every few seconds and without drive or force. He had a abrupt headache all of a sudden yeah, this is redundant, maybe he suddenly had a heachache?, which clouded his thoughts and prevented him thinking clearly – like a fog had hidden his brain and it wasn’t accessible, instead he was left with pain and a desire to collapse. sounds like a sinus headache. has that feeling, at least

He was no longer cold. Neither was he warm – but ok, a couple things.. get rid of but, doesn't make sense, and change to he had lost.. he lost all sense of feeling, temperature, or anything. It was as if his nerve cells had packed up and died and he was just a shadow of his former human self, just a shell for blood and organs, none of which were working with any enthusiasm. The man groaned unintentionally, his body forcing himself to voice the torment that was being inflicted upon it. But it was not a loud groan, but a distant quarter of a noise if you get rid of the first but in this sentence, it makes a whole lot more sense, lost in the westerly wind that had picked up to begin flinging little fragments of snow and ice in the air, letting them spiral and twirl.

And unexpectedly, without forewarning or a display of pain, the horse stumbled. Trying to brace itself, the animal stepped the other way, causing its rider to lose balance.

The man was thrown off, landing back first onto the snow and ice. He hit the trunk of a tree and stopped moving, falling still, without any signs of recovery. Blood seeped through his nose, but it was not liquid in the subzero environment and solidified within seconds, leaving a red substance stuck on his face.

His leg moved. He was not dead, but nor was he truly alive – in truth he was just half way between both extremes, stuck in a middle void without feelings or desires. Except for one thought, although it was shattered and almost forgotten. He could not leave the object in the pouch; he must hide it and hope no one ever comes this way. Gritting his teeth, he managed to roll his frozen body to the side and reach for the pouch attached to the saddle of the horse. The beast was no longer breathing. Calling for his muscles to perform one last action, he pushed them to remove the brown leather pouch and hide it beneath his dying body. Such was it done, with pure faltering effort and a last breath and heartbeat that resounded in his mind, and he looked for one last time up into the sky, into the sunlight, and smiled. where did the sun come from? I can see this entire thing happening in either early morning or evening, but you don't mention either until here. I would clear that up more towards the begining, or you could leave it, actually.. i rather like it like this, but some won't

He had a abrupt headache all of a sudden, which clouded his thoughts and prevented him thinking clearly – like a fog had hidden his brain and it wasn’t accessible, instead he was left with pain and a desire to collapse.

He had anabrupt headache. Also, the 'abrupt' and 'all of a sudden' seemed sort of redundant.

Was it just me, or did this seem like nighttime? I don't know. I thought it was nighttime until the end, when you mentioned sunlight. The horse thing was kind of weird for me too. It seemed weird that the horse stumbled and the man was flung off. Other than that, it seemed pretty good. Hurry up and start/finish the novel.

Wow this is truly amazing I liked this a lot can't wait to read more. Oh i forgot detail was tremendous.

Thanks! It was rather detailed due to the lack of action within it, but if anyone has any suggestions to make it easier to read then I will listen. Don't worry, the whole of the story won't be like this, as this was mainly setting the scene to lay it up for later events.

this is really cool, and the detail is great, but i think there's a little too much. i found myself skimming; i don't like skimming. also, the part that says "bits of frost" doesn't fit in; maybe frost particles or something? this is great; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thanks a lot.

At the end when the rider is thrown from his horse its not quite right. If a horse just fell sideways your rider would be pinned, one leg caught underneath it, if the horse stepped suddenly the other way before falling over, your rider would be unseated and fall free, but would not go very far if the horse was just walking, so i think you need to change that a bit.

wow, and i really mean wow, thats a good start Jack. Horses do shiver and can die from extreme cold by the way, now, where do i start?

The horse’s steps on the icy ground were like steps counting towards impending doom - that line really caught my attention, thats one of the best starts i've seen for a while, like that very much so i thought i'd mention it.

You might want to check your grammer, a few times you wrote "ride" instead of "rider"

"But there was little liveliness left, and the man had to grim and bear it" Grin, not grim i think.

Just a suggestion, but i think the rider is fleeing from something with this Medallion, (I presume thats what it is) and at the end of the first paragraph you could say something like "any second, even though there had been no signs of persuit for two days" or something like that.

At the end when the rider is thrown from his horse its not quite right. If a horse just fell sideways your rider would be pinned, one leg caught underneath it, if the horse stepped suddenly the other way before falling over, your rider would be unseated and fall free, but would not go very far if the horse was just walking, so i think you need to change that a bit.

"and hide beneath his dying body" and hide it?

Other than those things, i think thats a good prologue, you can easily take that far from where its ended, and i really do want to find out what happens. That was a good read apart form the grammer mistakes.