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140,727 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
I enjoyed it and was also confused on:
i can feel your fear and love
tremble everytime i touch your skin
Overall good job.
One suggestion. Get rid of the italicized 'dead' in the first line. Comes off a bit tacky.
The second stanza is wonderful, really wonderful. I enjoyed this poem very much, but the beginning and end seemed disconnected from the middle.
When I read the poem, and I must admit I truly enjoy your writing style, I envisioned an "undead" feeling about the two. Maybe welcoming her to your side, is that the fear, are you beckoning her there (undeath) too? Or maybe, just maybe, I have no idea what I am talking about?
Another nice one, Jack. It seems so dark and creepy, but I suppose that's kind of the point... lol...
I have one friend who's memorized you know i'd sing for you and I know she'd like this one as well, so I'll have to send it to her. Thanks for the read.
quite lovely. I can't see any easy way it could be better, nor do I want to look. I really enjoyed it.
Wilting roses is a fine metaphor. However,
is OTT. I was confused as to exactly what you meant by
Are you saying that when you touch this person, their love trembles -- as in giving (a)way? And the same with fear: do you give them their strength but take away their love? I don't know that I entirely understand what you mean.
Overall, though, it was still -- like always -- exceptional.
First of all, this was very..pretty. I loved it all, except this:
i mean, c'mon...you're better than this. it's like a play on words and in a delicate piece like such, it sort of just made me roll my eyes. is there such thing as too clever?
Pretty piece. I think it was a bit obvious...anytime wilted roses enter poetry, you're treading on old ground and it's hard to make it seem fresh and new. But still a nice read.
Brian
The italicized deadgave me a jolt. Very ominous. And a very strong way of starting off the poem. The second line of the second stanza = brilliant. Third stanza = lovely, but I didn't understand the grave analogy, and I thought that it ended off in a very weak way.