Young Writers Society

Yeah, I have to agree with Sarah. The titles given to every couple of paragraphs seemed to break up the flow... something you don't want. You have a really nice poetic style that lends itself to description. I mean, it's like one of those beanbag chairs. When you sit on the chairs, you just sink into it. So you need to highlight this wonderful description, and by breaking it up, it doesn't do it justice.

And remember... transitions are your friends.

Oftentimes, and I'm deadly serious, I find a sentence in my story and I say to myself, "This doesn't sound right." I'm not a terrible writer, mind you, but more often than not, the awkward sentence is the result of a poorly executed transition. They are HORRIBLY difficult to do. But, when done right, they can make the difference of a mediocre piece and an absolutely fabulous one.

Try to do several experiments with transitions. You won't regret it, plus you might beat your writer's block.

I originally placed this in the Historical Fiction section, but it didn't appear on the front page so I switched it to here so it might be noticed.

I was a little confused with the time changing but I liked the idea of the switch.

I thought this would more of Historial subject more than Action/Adventure.

Although you didn't really point out who the British were against they seemed to stand out and in the end when they turned on the British I didn't know they were the enermies.

Yup, I am now officially envious. That was, exceedingly well done. Unfortunately, there were no mistakes I could find, nothing I could criticise. But, you keep writing and I will find one...I'll be watching...and waiting.

Thanks, Sarah. I used those titles because I'm too lazy to do good transitions. Yes, I'm very lazy.

You have a simple, yet elegant way of writing, and I really like it. I like this piece, the short construction of it.

I don't think you need the "during" "before" and "after" titles, though. I think with some transitions or some description of settings, you could do without.

Also, in the very beginning, "A piercing smell from all angles; the scent of forgotten hope and loss." I love this, but it would make more sense syntactically if you said "the scent of loss and forgotten hope," because like this, it sounds like the loss is also forgotten. See?

Good work. You always have good work.