two-thousand-and-five-survive

Actually it was supposed to be about how everybody does the same things - the science was just a metaphor (science is fact, no deviance). Didn't come out the way I wanted.

Liked it. The flow was coppy, intentionally, but I think that if the idea of what you were trying to say was better developed, the poem may have hit a higher chord. Nice job.

Your word choice and images are great, as usual, but I, like most other people here, couldn't seem to find a lot of emotion in it. Not sure if that was intentional or not, but I don't know... it just left me kind of "meh." if you know what I mean.

I'm with Snoink, though. Even though I am horrid at science and it's a sin to let me stab at a frog because I do it so badly, I do think science is extremely creative. Am I taking the wrong meaning out of this? Quite frankly, I refuse to believe that you were just having an off day when you wrote this, because all your poetry is riveting. Could you perhaps 'splain this one to me? It might be the lack of sleep, but this one seems way over my head.

I absoloutely loved it... Although some people think the phrase "All that jazz" sounds a little out of place, I loved it there. I also loved the part of elliptical emotional crap.. nice alliteration!

This was my favorite part:

orbit the planetary track
elliptical emotional crap
satellites will crash and our routine will
break

The fourth line, that is. Mostly because it looks like your trying to be structured, and then that oddball comes out at you. So you end up saying it twice, the first time with the word, and the second time with the placement of the word. And it worked!

But I have to agree with Mesh. "All that jazz" sounded a little out of place with the poem...

And I have to disagree with you. Science is creativity.

You know I love your stuff ... usually. Sorry, Firestarter, I cant get enthused about this one. It sounded...well, like what it was describing. Flat and sucked dry. Was that intentional? Kind of forced, like Mesh said - I totally wasnt feeling any real emotion behind this one. What is your concept? What are you trying to say? Maybe you're just too obtuse for me...
No but seriously, I cant suggest any improvements exactly...it just seems so lightweight. Maybe you could tighten it up, w/ regards to your intention and so forth. Make it clearer. Also, the rhyme isnt sitting well with me. But I'm like that. I have a horror of rhyme now....

sounds a tad forced.. no real rhyme or reason (or lack thereof).

ok.. my remarks aside.. I think the rhyming almost worked, but it didn't quite do it for me. last line of the second stanza made tied in the rhyme/rhyme break, though (ok, fine. I changed my mind. it works, I just had to read it twice).

as for the rest: heh. sums it up quite nicely, and little things like "cyanide" sold it.. but "all that jazz" sounds a bit out of place with lab type references (as I read it, anyhoo).

2nd stanza sold it, though.

(ok, this is me. later much. for the love of all that's holy I'm slow. I saw this come up under the "5 most recent posts thing"..and I thought of the one you wrote awhile ago that had "ninteenseventytwo style".. yeah. some parts make more sense now, but still feels a bit emotionally unnattached)

Kind of different, I don't know if I like it or not.

Wow. I loved the way you did this - the theme is wonderful, the title is suiting and interesting, and everything you said opened up a new door or window of images and ideas. Perfect.

I really liked it a lot. Loved the emotional crap thing.

This is interesting.....only the first two stanzas rymned though, and that broke it up, I didn't like it after that.