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Young Writers Society



too young to live

by Firestarter



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Mon Jan 16, 2006 8:46 pm
Incandescence wrote a review...



Jack, I keep coming back to this, trying to find a nice way to salvage it. Maybe some of the following suggestions will aid you in future development of this piece.


Your eyes are (a deeper shade / of turqoise) [a mixture of
green and blue, of]
(, a deeper wound than)
[love and] pain (will ever be); (they) let[ting] me know
that this is the start of forever(.)[,
all the way to the bitter end.]


***
[Sometimes] I have to look at
the calendar to (remember) [remind myself] how
young I am. The clock spins
daily, the cogs push
the future (closer) [towards me] and
the darkness has ignited
into starry destiny.

***I'm confused by the last two lines. They just don't make sense with the rest of the piece.***

**
I'm leaving my childhood in
[the] party-girls and alcoholic
mistakes[;](,) in all the dead emotions
and [all the] hollow words.

*
My hands are lonely without
your grip; my lips are dry
without your kiss; my skin
is broken without your touch.

***Last parallelism here makes no sense.***

It concluded poorly. Consider moving the last stanza to the top.

Thanks for the read,
Brad




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Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:51 pm
backgroundbob says...



First thing I thought of when I read the title was James Dean.

Not your best, but interesting all the same. I like the descending *s.




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Mon Jan 16, 2006 9:35 am
Firestarter says...



It doesn't really have a beginning, either ... I haven't been writing enough so I threw together some thoughts. It was too disconnected though.

Thanks everyone for commenting.




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Mon Jan 16, 2006 8:11 am
Snoink says...



Yeah... when I read the ending, my first thought was, "Where's the rest of the poem?" It doesn't really have a good conclusion, if you know what I mean. :P




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Sun Jan 15, 2006 3:28 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



I have to agree. The ending needs more punch- it kind of dwindles away. Maybe if you either add another stanza or alter the ones you already have to add something more...punchy...the poem will really stand out. At the moment, I think it is relegated to one of those things which has potential, but needs work. No offense.




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Sun Jan 15, 2006 2:35 am
emotion_less says...



It didn't really stand out to me, but it wasn't bad. Just not something extraordinary.




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Sat Jan 14, 2006 8:14 pm
Areida says...



It was great until the end. The last stanza didn't really wrap up the poem or leave it with any type of resonating effect. Other than that, I liked it a lot. I think the second and third stanzas are my favourite.




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Sat Jan 14, 2006 6:51 pm
xanthan gum wrote a review...



i thought the first stanza was beautiful, mainly this line:

that this is the start of forever,
all the way to the bitter end.


the second stanza also caught my attention. i believe that many people can relate to that. i, myself, am in a very growing-up part of my life and it certainly is a subject that boggles my mind on a regular basis.
the last stanza, though, i don't believe gave the poem the ending it deserved.





There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable