Jack, I keep coming back to this, trying to find a nice way to salvage it. Maybe some of the following suggestions will aid you in future development of this piece.
Your eyes are (a deeper shade / of turqoise) [a mixture of
green and blue, of](, a deeper wound than)
[love and] pain (will ever be); (they) let[ting] me know
that this is the start of forever(.)[,
all the way to the bitter end.]
***
[Sometimes] I have to look at
the calendar to (remember) [remind myself] how
young I am. The clock spins
daily, the cogs push
the future (closer) [towards me] and
the darkness has ignited
into starry destiny.
***I'm confused by the last two lines. They just don't make sense with the rest of the piece.***
**
I'm leaving my childhood in
[the] party-girls and alcoholic
mistakes[;](,) in all the dead emotions
and [all the] hollow words.
*
My hands are lonely without
your grip; my lips are dry
without your kiss; my skin
is broken without your touch.
***Last parallelism here makes no sense.***
It concluded poorly. Consider moving the last stanza to the top.
Thanks for the read,
Brad
Points: 890
Reviews: 915
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