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139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
(yes, I finally have time to sit down and do this, and am not skiving off a bunch of hw in the process)
ok. the first time I read this, I almost screamed COMMA'S! now, I don't have to (aka, I thank you for that). Now. Nit-picks, and yes, I'm in critique mode, as Sam likes to say.
sounds contradictory. no guards implies weakness, but then you say that means there must be guards of some sort, and scouting ahead. what if this group was especially stupid, or didn't know the area? then would they know to bring guards? unless you character likes toerr on the side of caution, and assume the worst possibility, but it's still a bit confusing. or, you could state the later bits of the paragraph first, and then the first part, and avoid any confusion, and nit-picks like me.
tense. call should be called, I believe. well, it could work either way.. but I'd stick with called.
when did he press his ear to the ground? and then, right after this, you change from past to present tense, "jumps" instead of jumped. actually, this entire paragraph likes to just around from past to present and then back.. same with the next.. intentional?
ok, tense keeps jumping around.. not sure if you meant to do that or not.. it annoys me a little, but the effect is kinda cool, but I'd stick with one tense for now (unless it's thoughts, speech, yadda yadda, you know that, though).
first sentence is awkward. rest is just a bit.. like thoughts. different than other parts. good effect, but a little confusing if read fast.
hehe, nice ending.
name.. interesting. quite interesting. now. more?
oh yes..what hunter said.. I agree. that and tense! please, tense!
ok, bek done and out.
There we go! Much better.
Thanks Sam. I've edited that and a few other bits if you would mind taking another look.
Very nice.
'And then it came – the hardly audible sound of boots against the ground, but he felt the tremble against his pressed-down ear. Just over ten yards to his left. Maybe a little more. Too little time to think. Closing in. Jumping up, knife unsheathed, darting behind his man, he cuts.'
This section was awkward, because you never tell of any movement. We still think he's ten yards away from the other dude. (Unless he's got way long arms XD.) And, you might want to use a different word from 'cuts'- perhaps 'slices'. I thought he was slitting his wrists for a moment there...part of the confusion was with the no-action thing. I still would change it to slices though.
I love the highwayman thing. It rocks so hard...
Ahh, sorry! I didn't see this! Anyway, I'm going to critique after school...so yeah. See you then.
Thanks. I start plenty of sentences with "And" and "Because". I don't care much for those rules. I always use a lot of fragments. *shrug*
And yeh Hunter, I'm definitely gonna be working on this.
'And this was as if gold was dangling in front on his face. "
i thought sentances were never too start with "And"
maybe i'm wrong
but i really liked it, he sounds cool...lol
oooo, dramatic!
It only had my full attention in some parts, but I like the cold, malicious way he does everything. Next bit please! Lol 
Totally digging this story so far, Jacko.
My only peeve on this one is the action--it switches from stuff like "the blood was wiped from the blade," to "he drew his pistols." Maybe I'm being over critical, but I don't care for the inconsistency of the action. To be consistent, you'd need to say "he wiped the blood from his blade."
...Ah, screw it. Nice start buddy. You gonna do any more?