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140,727 Literary Works • 673,680 Reviews
Jiggy, may I ask why you just critiqued a story I stopped writing two and a half years ago?
Thanks anyway, lol.
*lifts glass*
Here's to how much you've improved!
(I was wondering why I wasn't informed of this story, lol.)
Nice work over all, but comma's kill this piece:
This kind of halting sentence is common throughout the story and it just about slaughters the flow, then burns it for good measure lol. Try:
'Ravin lay awake on his mattress.'
Who was he to disagree with such a wise and truthful man?
Again with the comma: Whenever there was too much danger, he didn't hesitate to run.
On second thought, perhaps: Whenever there was too much danger, he ran.
A little less clunky that, but not a necessary correction. Just a thought.
I think perhaps 'thin' line would be better then 'small'.
I both love and hate these little snippets; on the one hand, they sound uber cool and any reader of fantasy could easily conjur up a million awesome things at the sound of them, but on the other, they literally mean nothing. Sounds cool, but we dont know who the Machilo or Norfor people are, or what theyre renowned for, and so we don't know whether to be inspired or afraid or whatever. The intended effect is lost.
I still like it XD.
replace the second 'that' with 'the'.
echoes in the silent camp.
Very nice. Get rid of the 'lad' though, its much stronger without it, not too sure why though. Perhaps because it reminds me too much of Druss, lol.
Waay to much repetition here. Try: They encouraged death; sang and cheered for it. They lived for death.
And on that note, exactly how does one encourage death? I get what you mean... just sounds odd is all.
A very nice, if slightly meaningless, well written piece. I say meaningless only in the sense that all excerpts and snippets are, becuase without context, we care little for the characters or the situation which in this case is a bit cliche--if in a new and interesting world; I'd definetly like to read more of that--but then its one of those cliches that I happen to never tire of. I love underdog stories lol.
Wow, supernecromancy.
Although surprisingly I just read over this and didn't actually mind it ... a first for something I wrote two and a half years ago.
Firestarter i really do wish i could write like you, your so good at it . i feel jealous sometimes
Thank for the comments.
Straight after.
Nope. It's not quite popular knowledge.
Pronounce it how you like, I don't mind. But to me it has always been "Rav-in", as in how it's spelt. No tricks. Though Rah'-ven sounds good too. Doesn't really matter.
Anyhoo, ta for reading.
This is just as good as the first part you gave us. Bravo and kudos! I do concur, you do write beautifully.
So far, I've been pronouncing it rah'-ven (a little like robin with a 'v' instead of 'b'.
The men don't know that Ravin is the Sun Prophet? And how are you pronouncing Ravin? I know, that's a very wierd question to ask, but I have a tendency to pronounce things differently than others.
I love it!
I just have one question: Does this take place before or after the last story snippet you posted? Just wondering ...
You write beautifully; I can really see what is going on clearly in my mind. Great job!
~Skye Demon