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Why do you always write letters to me?
I'm terrible at science so would you mind rephrasing the last sentence? I think I got the jist but you never know.
Thanks.
Jack,
There is some good imagery in places within this poem, but for me it somehow lacks that tension, the tautness, that is necessary to hold the piece together and provide a sense of pace. Instead, there seem to be a lot of spaces -- voids -- that, while interesting, are not as craftily seared into the poem as I would have liked. Some word pruning could also help - an indication of this need is the completely unnecessary 'when' at the end of the poem. It seems to me your critical mass has reached the the point of marginalization: that gap when the process of exponential growth lacks the necessary momentum to carry it through.
Cheers,
Brad