Broken Bones

I really have nothing negative to say and everyone else covered the critiques.

So here's what I have to say: I liked your descriptions, a lot. Keep writing.

YES! YOU WROTE! Eeee, I'm excited.

I think my biggest gripe with this is what Sam said: lack of tension. This should be really, really exciting! And while the prose works for me, the dialogue and characters' reactions to the storm and and broken bones and death and destruction and all that jazz... doesn't.

There was an achingly loud crash; the smashing of wood and a horrible groan from the gun deck below. Screams of pain. Thunderous noises emanating below. There followed a further smashing of wood, and another. Ominous silence followed suddenly, and Mitchell was past the coaming and through the hatch in a flash, darting below to investigate the trouble. It was immediately clear. On the starboard side, there was one cannon missing.

Mitchell turned angrily toward him. “Send for the surgeon,” he ordered fiercely.

Later on the Captain summoned Mitchell to his cabin, and grilled the Lieutenant. “It was your responsibility to make safe the guns, Lieutenant. I would hope you would do your duty. I cannot abide neglect.”

“Then I fail to see you how you can protest. I cannot have cannons rolling around my gun deck, Lieutenant. If you feel such a need to cause damage, pray throw yourself instead of my ordnance – it might knock some sense into you. Do you understand how important it is to have the ship secured in a storm?”

“Indeed, sir, that is why I thrice had the guns checked.”

“There are five dead mean that would contest that, Jack,” Captain Savaged said, sighing, his anger abating, reverting to Mitchell’s Christian name as he did so. “Two more have broken bones. By God man, we were lucky! If it hadn’t trapped itself on those two men, it could have ripped a hole in the stern!” His tone had become less accusatory and had a soft edge.

Thanks, guys! Muchos helpful, my fellow historical enthusiasts. Indeed this wasn't very good, just a little short piece for Cal's contest, and I will endeavour to better myself from now on.

I have come to whip you back into shape, Jack. * tsk, tsk * A little rusty from not keeping with writing but otherwise your knowledge with sailing stands strong. Your character development suffered a little it seems but if you really have not written much, it’s understandable. And if you have, we can always point fingers at the first draft for headaches and frustration.

When Mitchell was introduced, I ended up scanning the paragraphs, rather reading the full story at first. This is of course not a good thing. It means I got bored and unfortunately quick so early into the storyline. I suspect the first paragraph might have been the culprit. You began describing the rough sea, and having to counter the sails according to the strength of the wind. Personally, I have a short attention span – a disability – so in stories if they aren’t specifics that force me to utter, “Huh? What the hell?” Chances are I’ll move on to the next book. Mystery or the unusual catch my attention – dramatic action too. I know you want to tell us about the “lingo” of the sails and boats in general by sharing your knowledge but in the next few paragraphs with a cannon missing and so forth, it’s evident something went amiss. There’s plenty of action concerning causalities as well. I just think there’s a way you can show us the sea is rough without telling us right off that bat. [/end repetition]. I’m not sure if the first paragraph is essential to start the story off? I’m probably wrong, but it was a thought. My grandfather had the sea running through his veins from birth. Later he enlisted in the Navy, and then taught his daughters and sons as well as his granddaughters and so forth the “ways of the ship” and how to navigate if a compass isn’t handy. I retained some of his teaching but not everything. Your knowledge of the boat and sailing in general surpasses mine greatly. I’m amazed how much you know in this area. It’s awesome! ^ ^

Anyway, onward!

Your dialogue is quite good. Realistic according to the conflict involved and it’s not forced. It’s also accurate to the turn of the century, which is always nice for newbies interested “how they spoke in the day.”

“Then I fail to see you how you can protest. I cannot have cannons rolling around my gun deck, Lieutenant. If you feel such a need to cause damage, pray throw yourself instead of my ordnance – it might knock some sense into you. Do you understand how important it is to have the ship secured in a storm?”

Jack! I love you for writing.

The dark clouds had appeared two days ago, brooding and angry, casting the sea in gloom.

Only today had the wind burst into action, unexpected, the ship heeling and rocking and cracking.

and was only made more uncomfortable by the fierce lashing rain that cut across the deck.

a horrible groan from the gun deck below. Screams of pain. Thunderous noises emanating below.

There are five dead [s]mean[/s] men

Outside, the wind howled.

*glee beyond reason* Jack wrote!

I must say that for a landlubber, you seemed to handle the ship-talk deftly without going overboard (ha, ha). Most people, when they research something new, put every ounce of their being into proving that they know exactly what they know what they're talking about, usually with consequences for the reader. You seemed easy with it--it was just another part of the characters' world. And that, my friend, is fabulous and what this genre as a whole needs a lot more of.

PROSE YOGA

I know you only started writing again recently, but I'm still going to pick on you about style because you're Jack and therefore awesome sauce. You're a poet--or at least, you used to write a lot of poetry, most of it beyond good. That's one of those things that you can't afford to forget when you're writing narrative, because it's something that will set you apart. It means you're good at writing itself (the putting words together stuff), and not just at storytelling.

What separates classic literature from the bestseller rack is usually this idea of storytelling vs. writing. Poets already have the hand-up because they look at words in a different light--consider them for sound and abstract "feeling" as well as just another way to get a point across. Storytellers are capable of doing this occasionally, but there's not nearly the same internal brain-talk going on. When you're writing narrative, you'll want to include an element of your poetry in it. Why? This piece, with a few passive sentences and bits of description that were to be expected, was very good as a whole, but the language itself wasn't extraordinary. Using that poet-yness to make your language as well as your dialogue, characters, etc. will make the story as a whole much more interesting and unique for the reader.

What to do?

1) Do some freewriting. You don't have to write a story that necessarily makes sense--write one that just sounds pretty. Listen to diction and to the sound of words as you do so.

2) Write some poetry while taking breaks from prose, even if it's awful.

3) Find your poetry mindset when you sit down to work on stories. You're already good with characters and plot, so those are things that you don't need to use all of your brainpower on.

TENSION!

It was a dark and stormy night, AND TWO SAILORS WERE JUST BRUTALLY CRUSHED TO DEATH BY A GIANT CANNON FALLING ON THEIR HEADS.

Sounds great, right? In theory, it's awesome sauce--but in this story, you were lacking the tension you need to make this live up to its full potential. Dramatic suspense, as far as readers are concerned, is the best thing to cross this earth since the release of Master and Commander.

The key to writing something suspensefully is TO WRITE IT IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Okay, not really. BUT IT HAS TO BE THE MOST EARTH-SHATTERING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THESE CHARACTERS, EVEN IF IT ISN'T.

1) Build up some nerves. How are your characters feeling?

2) Make sure the consequences of such a storm are known.

3) Make us invested in your characters. What sort of lovely pathos can you build up with wives waiting at home, and so forth?

__

Basically? If you don't tell me when you're done with the draft of Pegasus, you're simply not allowed to live.