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139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
Hullo, Jacque!
My apologies on not reviewing this when I said I would. I get sidetracked too easily.
To begin, I love your word choice throughout this; simple, easy to follow and so darn interesting. You caught my interest at the beginning, and it didn't fade even after this was finished, which is a brilliant thing that I don't see enough of around here.
- It could very well just be me, but the italicized part made me stumble because it's too long; while I like all of the information here, but and all Jim could see was the waists of men after men kind of drags this, and made me have to read back to remember what you were talking about.
- Hey, the final sentence here, Jim did not like his father’s cold and brittle hands that gripped his in such a perfunctory manner-- did Jim not like his father's hands at all, or just the way that he gripped them?
Jim jumped at the opportunity with a quick grin. “Yes, sir, what--”
This description of the eyes comes off as a bit cliche, dear.
Fetched out sounds a little funny.
Traveled.
I think "but" may sound better here instead of before; this rings as a little awkward to me.
Not sure if this is intentional, since it's dialogue, but not faintest idea?
*
I have to say, you did a wonderful job here, Jack. The fluidity of this was excellent. In some spots, the tone did sound overly formal, such as where Omzy pointed out saying the hands of his father versus [/i] his fathers hands[/i]; it's not in the least a bad thing, but on close reading it does trip the flow in some parts.
The suspense was well done! 'Grats on that-- your narration is wonderfully done. Not info dumpy, but it provides the information without going all into the showy things.
I absolutely loved this, and can't wait for the next installment.
Two thumbs up!
June
Thanks for the comments everyone.
This is a short story, rather than a novel or anything, I've just split it up into bite-sized sections for reviewing purposes. If I finish I'll post some more. I'm mainly concentrating on the plot & style at the moment, the characterisation isn't perfect. I'd quite like comments on characters from this part if anybody has any, because it's my weakest point.
Karina >> Do I really do that? I don't think you have ever caused me to stop doing anything.
joshuapaul >> I'm trying to spin something new on a classic secret society plot, so I hope I do.
All righty then.
. Keep at it, I'd like to read the rest. PM me when it's out!
Your story really got me hooked. I like the way you described the scenery, making us wonder about it, intriguing us. The way everything came to be and so on.
I'm guessing the MC will be described further on in the story, but if you hadn't thought about that, maybe you should. It wasn't necessary in the first chapter, but you might want to give us more to him in the next one, perhaps?
I love fantasy stories, but fantasy stories with mystery (or comedy) is much better
Hello, matey!
Glad to see you got round to writin' and postin' this. It's gravy! I'm just going to point out some small, nitpicky stuff -- I tend to deal mostly with flow and, with this, there's nothing else really that needs a touch-up.
There's nothing wrong with this phrasing, per se, but why not say -- "as unexplained as the scars that decorated his father's hands" --? There's something a little too formal about the way you arrange this sentence. I don't think you need the comma that follows either ^^
As with before, just a touch odd with the phrasing. Why not -- "Led by his father's stern and unforgiving grip, he was half-dragged through the city" --? Haha, there's nothing wrong, as I mentioned before, so it's not a must-change thing but I couldn't help think that as I read the piece. And I should be too engrossed to care. Of course, I might just an anal tard, luls.
Hm. I'm not entirely sure about this one but I would imagine mental dialogue would follow the rules of normal dialogue and so, that 'Screamed' shouldn't be capitalised.
What exactly was the change? Was it the smell? Or just an illusory sensation? A little more detail here couldn't hurt. Aaand, I know you're doing a country v city theme thing, but there's no need to be so blunt about it (by the way, I kinda just want you to stay in the city -- your descriptions of the city and city life in general are lovely and always have been. you and modernity just go hand-in-hand). In any case, instead of blithely telling us, why not give us the sensations directly. For instance:
It was almost as if they had left the city, such was the change in atmosphere. [insert sensory descriptions here, mebeh bebeh]
Jim was all at sea.
What does that mean, exactly? I understand, sorta, the sense you're trying to give -- or continue rather, of modernity being an ocean and the boy lost adrift on it -- but it felt out of place here and strange given the mundanity (is that even a word? if not, tis now XD) of the following sentence. Why is he at sea, suddenly, is what I'm asking.
This, for me, was the only real weakness in the piece, the only part where I was like, cut it. Doors creak entirely too often in fiction, as I see it, and someone really needs to call a handyman already or imagine a caretaker with enough pride and professionalism to oil his hinges haha.
missing a word -- idea, I believe --
Okay! That's about it, all the little bits to make your eventual redrafting (don't you dare start now, keep going!) a little easier. I'm excited! WRITE MOAR. Also, questions that need answering!
How old is James? Why is he being randomly involved here? Is there a reason for his fathers initial sense of urgency -- aside from needing to be punctual anyway--and caution? If so, why did it fade so audibly at the end of the chapter? (Mind you, lingering, unresolved tension is great so if that's what you want, leave it open)
*jumps up and down*
Me, excited? Never. But if you don't write more, I will cut you. kkthnks
Jacke!
When I tell you it's bad, you believe me and give up the project and stop writing entirely and when I tell you it's good, you don't believe me and give up the project and stop writing entirely. So, just to be on the safe side, it's very intriguing and you should definitely write more of this.
Wow.
I seldom read a story that has me competely and utterly hooked. As I read on I didn't stop to reread an awkward sentence, or pause and wonder syntax or grammar I just read and let myself become consumed.
You have taken a completely unoriginal idea/pretense and spun it and shone a new light on it. It's good but will only stay good if you keep away from the cliche magic/secret-society plot, it only just ticks the 'originality - box' for me now, had it not been so well written I might have had more say about this!
A couple of missed commas et cetra but I'm sure you will pick them up with another proof. The discription of he transformation from farm - city really struck a chord of recognition. Well done.
I wish I could offer more but I really didn't see much else, perhaps just give a little more weight to the boys appearence?
look foward to reading more.