Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
Hello!
I liked your story, it was a good scifi tale with a twist, but you can also tell it wasn't intensively planned or revised. no problem with that; I'll go with positives first:
I disagree with the person who said your characters needed more development - you did a fine job with this kind of length story. I liked the idea of a unwilling executioner. Jason's character was a great counterpoint to this as well. The humour worked really well. Nothing else remarkable for me...I'll go on to negatives:
Unbelievability was a clear problem, as others have said. I think you need to work on your exposition, though this maybe is a result of rushing it. You told us too much without showing it... it can be problem with explaining a complicated setting in a short story. You have two choices:
1. be really inventive and manage to get the audience into your complex world somehow, maybe with flashbacks, but it doesn't have to be this complicated:
here you gave us information while still moving the plot forward. Good.
Its not bad stuff, but i guess it's just a bit amateurish. make us feel the world. show don't tell.
2. simplify things, don't try for something too complex in a short story. And remember you don't have to explain everything. I laughed at this:
Oh well that's convenient! This isn't even necessary - I would happily accept he could hack a computer at his own place of work.
You setting is a bit unbelieveable by its nature and therefore needs explaining. However it seems to me that having a more believeable world in the first place is a better. I don't think that means this story could never work. The only real problem I have difficulty getting round is: Why not use contraception? Your explanation is somewhat unbelieveable:
Its a tough one. try the trick of mixing multiple causes, maybe:
1. Even in countries where they do limit population growth e.g china, they find it hard to enforce,
2. Could be the population was already oversized when the killing came in
3. food supplies are dropping
4. Its some crazy dictators solution
5. I don't know - think outside the box!
If that fails, the final trick is to make a passing reference to the problem that gives a reasonable explanation if you don't think about it too hard. At least you'll have shown you realised the problem existed. hopefully the audience will let it go and get on with the story. In the end isn't science fiction about believing the unbelievable? Sometimes good writers have to be like magicians and distract the audience away from problems like this. This is the opposite of what you did: you highlighted something unbelievable with an even more unbelievable explanation.
Finally, i find your style weird. Present tense writing is weird. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it is for me. it can work, but you have to be careful. yeah...
I rambled a bit but I hope this helps!
Thanks guys.
This was flash fiction piece so it might explain a lot of the deficiencies. It was supposed to be half a joke -- the concept is unbelievable -- why would a colony ever have to randomly kill people? I tried to highlight this with the Contraception Plants comment. Anyway, understandably, this didn't work that well.
Hopefully might revise this into something better -- just wanted some comments to see what I need to work on. Planning might be a key concept in the future.
Thanks again!
Jacko! Ok, I'm gonna make this shot and sweet (well, try, anyway).
The main issue I have is that I simply don't care enough about Az. The entire event is shocking, and it seems like you're relying more on that to move the reader than your characters, which I think is a really bad move, especially in a sci-fi. Weird situations happen. Ok, fine. We accept that. But what we don't get is your character's reaction. It appears far too calculated and thought-out -- which it should be on your part, but not your characters. You need more buildup on Az as a character, flesh him out more, or at least his thought process. That's what makes good scifi, a weird situation like you have, but completely human characters. We have to feel in order to suspend disbelief of a situation, which is another point -- if your characters don't care about the situation enough, or in this case, you provide a contrast, since otherwise his revelation is kind of, like... ok, saw that one coming as a "Oh he's cold and then it happens to him so we expected it" kind of thing, rather than the reader seeing the contrast between the character, his surroundings, other people, even and thus the character develops rather than suddenly changes! Ok, basically, contrast = good. Speaking of, since this is so short, it's much harder to do this with, but part of writing this in a believable fashion would be backstory, so even if it never makes it in the final product, you have to know it: so, why is the colony there? Why kill people, can't they produce more food? Why aren't laws enforced, is it the government/law enforcement ineffective and how so (you touched on this, yes.So do more of that! Is good!), what structure does the government have, if this is a "normal" job, what other jobs are there? Which jobs are considered important enough to not kill those who work them?
I do like your premise, here. The son being the one allotted I'm not as sure of, but mostly because of the above and the shock factor.
In all, I hate to say "as usual," but it's really rather true -- you write words beautifully.
Thanks for a good read, Jack! I hope I was at least a little helpful! And I can't wait to see this revised!
Hello,
I'd like to start out by telling you the positives. this was an amazing work of literature and I was immensely impressed by the flow, diction, and use of language. the plot was captivation and intriguing. It was unique and imaginative. You started out great with an awesome opening line and ended it with a twist that was unpredictable and fantastic. You characterized well, and I thought the whole thing seemed very well thought out. You have a good use of vocabulary, although not so much that it's difficult to read. A good amount of irony and dry humor lightens the piece and yet makes it darker and more twisted. Overall, A+.
On with some errors-
1. All are resigned to their fate and make no attempt to resist their capture.
2. Inspiration for dealing out death always came fromhome
3. Especially since he consumed five black cocktails at Bar Mort the previous night.
4. He knows what Jason tries to do: make light of the terrible duty they are asked to perform, avoid the horrific reality of the situation. But it becomes tiresome. You've already mentioned the make light bit
5. “Two requested lasers to the head ... boring. Beheading? Crazy. "
6. Even though at the Department of Alleviation they are immune from the death lottery, it wasstill the rage to discuss it.
cheers!
-medusa.
Frankly, I can't find this believable. Maybe the idea was to suspend reality for the purpose of the story, but still. It was decent. The ending was very ironic though.