I like the pompous style of your bureaucrat, it was kind of fun to read.
Hmm. This passes my prologue axe because it is a letter. Which is kind of third person, though it kind of isn't. Very good.
I like the pompous style of your bureaucrat, it was kind of fun to read.
Hmm. This passes my prologue axe because it is a letter. Which is kind of third person, though it kind of isn't. Very good.
*grinns* yay! you posted it!
ok, the only thing that really stood out as.. off (I currently lack the mental skills to conjure the correct term, so this is the best I can do), was "pseudo-prophetic" and "would you let it crumble on a whim?"
also, the post script sounds a bit awkward, but I think that stems from the "on"..
(ok, I'm back)
"Perhaps you have heard the famous statement made by the philosopher Vardes -“The King commands, the Mob rules.” It is particularly relevant right here. They cry for food, we can give them none, for we have none."
first part is alright, the second sentence seems too short in context with the rest (especially with the "right" when I read it..), and could possibly be combined, depending on what effect you want here. the last part sounds redundant, and if that's what you want, good, if not, it doesn't work well. it sounds.. not simpler, but not as highly worded as other parts. basically, it works, but it doesn't feel quite right in context.
other than that (I'll be back later when I'm not quite so sleep deprived) nice and kiss-up-ish. quite wordy, and it fits perfectly.
Now.. I'll repeat what I've said before.. more?
I hate it. But then again, what do you expect from someone who likes very short sentences that are brief and to the point? These kind of pieces are really really fun to write, and it's even better when you have a character that actually speaks like that.
Even so... the story does prove to be interesting.
There was only one sentence that I didn't quite like.
Melodramatic as it might appear, perhaps some form of evidence is in order to provide a realisation of the sheer gravity of the situation – right now, as I take hesitant glance out of the window, there is a burning fire reminiscent of Hell’s everlasting inferno, stripping the elegant gardens of their decoration, leaving nought but great of rising malignant smoke; I jerk my neck back fearfully, avoiding the sharpshooters distributing death like the Bringer himself.
The part in red is the most awkward, probably because it says "jerk" in present tense.
WOW, now you mention it, Sir. Walter Scott does come to mind, most of his sentances last at least 4 lines, you have got some nice long sentaces in there, and it flows really well once you get into the language, the first sentance i had to read again 'cos i thought i was mistaken. Sam caught my point about that one line, it sticks out, it's not in style with the rest of the letter. But wow, you've got the langauge, you got a decent story line, cant wait to hear more
I like how you can get a feel straight away from the language you're using that this is set pre 1900s. It reminds me of the classics with the intelligent sounding language and stuff. At the beginning it's not really one hundred percent clear its a letter its more of someone thinking about talking to someone. If that makes sense, it doesn't really have the layout with a letter if you know what I mean.
It takes a while to get to the point
If his writing has been cut so short surely all this is just taking as much time to do the formalities? If it was so important that he finished this letter quickly surely a briefer explanation would be more suitable, instead of writing something that could be as long as the formalities?the time scale of my letter-writing would be so drastically shortened so that it is in a state of expeditiousness; the normally necessary (but perhaps trivial) pleasantries have been dispensed with as you are probably acutely aware
I like this description, it's pretty easy to picture a violent fire that looks like it won't go out and its really good how it then goes to say whats been destroyed. The only thing is you can't picture clearly the garden itself, just the fire. But I suppose since he's writing a rushed letter it wouldn't be suitable anyway there is a burning fire reminiscent of Hell’s everlasting inferno
.
I also like how you've an idea for the reason of whats going on, I've probably misinterpreted it but is it a sort of peasants uprising against the government type thing?
For someone who said they only had a short time though the letter is quite long, especially when theres a fire just outside. Wouldn't they be more concerned with doing an evacuation if it's like Hells fire and then writing the letter after?
I was modelling Sir Walter Scott more, he is an expert in long-winded sentences too.
Note: Since in this you have much in common with Mr. Long-Winded Sentence, aka Thomas Jefferson, I've decided to read it as such...
'They cry for food, we can give them none, for we have none. They cry for an end to the slaughter, we cannot, for we have no troops to end it.'
You've nailed the language perfectly up till here. A bit clunky, may we say?
Change to: 'They cry for food, we can give them none, for we have naught. They plead for an end to the slaughter, but we can do nothing, for we have no troops to conclude such.'
[Yeah, okay, I admit the last few words were a bit of a stretch, but try not to use the same phrase twice in a sentence.]
That was pretty much the only bit I had trouble with. Other than that, it's brilliant. 
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