It was really good - you captured the mood perfectly, and the dialoug was nicely spaced. Just one thing. When you said "the cops will here", I think it should be "the cops will hear." Just thought I'd mention it when no one else did.

I liked this Jack, and I await the next part.

Thanks. Actually Sam this Kayle is different from the earlier one you ma be referring to (I seem to like the name Kayle at the moment)..the story 'untitled' was basically just a random freewrite. So was this, in a way, but this has a title.

I found this slightly out of character for our mellow, profane (teehee) Kayle...but nonetheless, pretty good.

ohh.. me likeys. I saw one thing I thought confusing...ah, here "'No, no. They’re real,' he says, but without annoyance, because he knows that any irritation displayed from him might anger him and I’m the one with the gun." the him references confused me the first time trhough. it does makes sense, I just had to go back and re-read for it to do so.

Thsi was really intriguing, and I want to read more.

The last few lines.. oh god good, you scared me for a second. Cold and calculating. Nicely done (heh. ironic, no?)

Wow. Very disturbing. Great tension. This had a bunch of the things I normally don't like to see, like present-tense narative, lack of information, and very sparse visuals, used exactly the way they are supposed to. The voice was authentic, and I believed every second of it. The dialogue wasn't perfect, but that might be a "we live in different countries and therefore talk differently" thing. Most importantly, I want to know what happens next, which is, for me, a rarity when reading work by people as young as we are.